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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: sights of the darkdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blueorchids
    ASL Info:    30/F/California
    Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 1096/928/91
    Words: 378
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1301
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3420



    Description:
       I wrote this two years ago. I haven't been able to write lately so I fiddled and diddled with this. P.S. the formatting didn't come out exactly right but it's been so long I've forgotten how to do it all. I'll figure it out tomorrow.

    Thoughts as always, lovelies. Leave a little inspiration for me on your way out.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotssights of the darkdots
    -------------------------------------------


    we are alone
    elbows kissing, my wrist
    under
    yours and
    we say
    n o t h i n g
    that others haven't already
    said.

    mo(u)rning comes,
    dresses and grooms us
    div i ded,
    we are un decided; to
    stay [to]gether -
    surr[end]er ...

    we sleep, affected
    t an gle d in
    doubts and sheets
    deaf to practical advice
    numb but for sexual re lease
    lost
    on
    the path we took
    backward
    to love,
    legs still touching but
    knees
    dis connected.

    we lie awake,
    fingers embracing, your shoulder
    over
    mine,
    adscititious
    we breathe apart,
    a-morphous and a-rrhythmic ...

    i
    believe in
    you
    in the
    dark.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    PREVIOUS TOTALLY FORMATTED VERSION

    we are alone
    elbows kissing, my wr[i]st
                              under
                            yo[u]rs and
    we say
              n o t h i n g
    that others haven't already
    said.

    mo(u)rning comes
    dresses and grooms us
    div i ded
    we are un decided; to
    stay [to]gether -
                           surr[end]er ...

    we sleep, affected
    t an gle d in
               doubts and sheets
               deaf to practical advice
    numb but for sexual re lease
    lost
         on
            the path we took
    backward
                     to love,
    legs still touching but
    knees
          dis connected.

    we lie awake,
    fingers embracing, your sho[u]lder
                                       over
                                      m[i]ne,
    adscititious
    we breathe apart,
    a-morphous and a-rrhythmic ...

        [i]
    believe in
    yo[u]
           in the
                  dark.




    Submitted on 2007-02-09 03:38:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Very glad you posted this older poem on here. I love the formatting, the way it can add multiple meanings to lines: "mo(u)rning" is a great example. Morning brings an end to the beautiful mysteries of the night, sight restored and maybe a little more soberer...er.

    "the path we took backward to love" ? A onenight turned oneyear stand? The physical leading to the emotional?

    The last stanza of course is the most powerful, and the most simply put. You always had a way with words, and this is a great example.

    "I believe in you in the dark." There are so many ways to go with that, but I like to think it is the fantasy of a real person, lying next to you, more than they are in the daylight. More than merely a momentary partner. Though the dark may lead to greater prescience, it also allows more wiggle room for imagination, for hopes and flights of fancy. In the dark, they can be whoever you like.

    Very nice piece, perfectly paced and not a jot too long or short.

    Keep it up Gracie,

    James
    | Posted on 2007-12-27 00:00:00 | by FallenGrace | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is beautiful and amazing...

    It's a shame that you aren't writing right now...you have such a knack for it.

    But I can understand...there are just times in your life when nothing will come out...when you feel as if you've said everything you can possibly say.

    I hope you find your inspiration soon...it's a shame to deprive the world of a talent such as yours.
    | Posted on 2007-09-10 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      To thrive for sexual release, but have no real emotional, trustworthy connection is something that we all strive to stay away from, and yet we are pulled into it easily. The way you put brackets and parenthesies around certain parts of words was ingenious. It led me to wonder what you were REALLY trying to say with this piece. It's simply...tragically, beautiful. The only thing I would suggest to you is the way you formed each line, and the words you put in each verse...some words seem like there just wasn't room for the word on the line. I would have done everything possible to MAKE room for the words, to keep them on the line.
    | Posted on 2007-06-23 00:00:00 | by Belle Tragedie | [ Reply to This ]
      i believe in you in the dark.

    how heartbreakingly, tragically parallel to the love lives i've led in the past. this isn't a poem, you know... this is a dance, full to the brim with intricate dips and spins, flashing looks and staccato steps. there are layers to this. layers.

    playing with formatting can be interesting, no? i like it. but i like everything of yours, so there is no surprise there.
    | Posted on 2007-04-06 00:00:00 | by freeradical | [ Reply to This ]
      very broken... disconnected.. the [] adds to the disconnected feeling.
    reading this, it halts.. and then moves in fits and starts..
    there is an uncomfortableness (is that a word?) to this.

    we sleep, affected
    t an gle d in
    doubts and sheets

    that is a powerful statement.

    i do prefer the first version. not sure why.

    this is a beautiful piece of work,
    broken as it is.

    blessings,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2007-03-17 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      my orchids girl.
    i found your page quite by accident and i doubt you even remember who i am... its been so long.

    but i am glad i found your page.
    this is beautiful.
    broken.
    emotive.
    controlled.
    love.

    ok so you wrote this a while ago but dude... how do you do this?
    how do you say so much... its almost like youve purged your entire being and put it out for the world to see but perhaps only in the dark. but its not purging in a vomitting kinda way... its so controlled and precise and almost removed. like there is not a single syllable that shouldnt be there... i just... wow.

    and theres so many ways to read it with words split and sounds displaced and brackets employed... its brilliant and broken all at the same time...

    i
    believe in
    you
    in the
    dark.

    this ending...
    to me it completes the piece.
    if this were an essay that line would be an A+ summary for the closing paragraph...

    yeah... im gonna stop now.
    | Posted on 2007-03-07 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Ahhh, always the romantic. Romanticist. Something. But always beautiful.

    What really strikes me about this is the control you have over your words. They don't spill onto the page... every little detail is planned, touched and touched-up. There's a wall around the words, the outline of the letters, made impenetrable.

    The spacing of words is an old trick yet here you take it steps further and I love it- because it doesn't mirror (to me) how the author would like the reader to read it so much as how the stuation made the narrator feel- the words are spaced and airy, tunbled, tangled, stumbling, dis connected, and yearing for re lease.

    One thing- the re lease bit almost seems swallowed up in the rest of the format around it. I just have to slow it down to get the impact.

    "we are un decided; to
    stay [to]gether -
    surr[end]er ..."

    even bits like this, though, somehow don't detract.

    And the ending, the line breaks... perfect.

    You know, every love story in the world an all that. That's what this is.

    and so very eloquent.
    | Posted on 2007-02-24 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      quite lovely and dark as usual.

    Not dark like the underworld but dark like happiness in the lack of control, the lack of security, the lack of the same thing tomorrow, the pain of not knowing where or when and the potential loss of everything you want or that everything is not as it seems to be....

    that kind of dark. Jeff Buckley perhaps.

    So I am little rusty so please excuse me...

    to me the following word seems a little out of place:
    'adscititious'
    everything else is so natural and aches like it was, like i was there and like i have felt knowing that she wont be there tomorrow.

    of course the concept of spacing and such adds in small doses, and you are aware of that here.

    conceptually and emotionally this is cutting, aware and longing and full of love that hurts and you do it so well.

    Not because of anything other than you have clearly been though this [more than once I would say]

    and you know how to tell it like it is.

    Just like great poetry mostly is.

    And surprisingly hard to do.

    Beautiful.

    I hope that you may drop by there is a little something you could help me with...

    Be well and take care Grace

    Rob




    | Posted on 2007-02-18 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      ...i think in this case i just wanted the journey to last; to extend the arrival point to the right a bit, so that i could better prepare for the inevitable arrhythmia - and there it was, just where i thought it might be. it's like waiting for your heart to stop so that it can decide on a new tempo that suits it better - in spite of the closeness of a lover, not because of it...

    and well, to come again with something 2 years old tells us a lot too mate.

    i think that you articulate an ache better than most g and all the formatting in the world won't pretty it up any. it is palpable this ache and it is the words you use and the ordering of them that does it so for me at least, i can just about live without the parentheses here. i just wonder sometimes if you can because they are used as amulets or similar it seams, to condense matters into a digestible, manageable form...

    as for inspiration well you could always do worse than julia fordham. this is from her song 'porcelain'

    I am very very much in like with you
    I hope that it's okay 'cause it's all I can do
    'Cause you treat my skin like porcelain,
    Rare and special porcelain
    Even though you know I know you know
    That this is not the real thing...

    see what i mean?
    take it easy mate,
    k
    | Posted on 2007-02-12 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      Grace,

    I have the old version of this taped to my bedroom wall. It is still a breath takingly beautiful piece of poetry.

    Thank you for sharing it once again,

    ~DQ
    | Posted on 2007-02-09 00:00:00 | by drowning_queen | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the format/style but I think it might be too much. you have the "i" and "u" parts but you also have the "to" "end" in consecutive sentences. I think it might be better if you went one way or the other. either have some straight message or central theme in the parenthesis or go with the "I" and "you" motif of everything coming back to you and the other person.

    the gaps work really good. "sexual re lease" being both letting out and(at least as i read it)resigning a lease, continuing ownership of the other person.
    | Posted on 2007-02-09 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
      It's a shame that your formatting didn't turn out as planned. I found it innovative and distracting all at once. It's an interesting piece that needs to be read crefully. It seems as if they're on the right track and then from another angle it seems as if they are worlds apart. Some nice phrasing and scene setting in this so that you could make those angles work for you. I felt the glue in this piece was the emotion that came through and the feeling of disquiet that the different angles instilled in me.


    DB
    | Posted on 2007-02-09 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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