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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the girl i was then.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: narcolepsy
    ASL Info:    19/F/Pa
    Elite Ratio:    3.97 - 129/135/60
    Words: 159
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1067
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1000



    Description:
       narrative poem for creative writing class. i had to rhyme. ew.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe girl i was then.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    i've roamed with street rats--modern day pirates
    neo-nazis, drug-addicts, whores and hypocrites
    i've gone into hiding, i've been a runaway
    sometimes i think i must be lucky i'm alive today
    i've slept on park benches and woke under flashlights
    with no place to go i've had many sleepless nights
    used to let all the boys chase me, never scoring
    parties at night leave you alone in the morning
    never without a pack of fresh cigarettes
    everyday i smoked one for each of my regrets
    my life had become one long weekend it seemed
    a part of my youth that can't ever be redeemed
    friends i thought i had, stabbed me in the back
    left me in the rain for compassion they lack
    but i walked into it! it cleansed me in a way
    i cannot begin to express and maybe someday
    i'll be clean enough to feel pure again
    rise above and forget about the girl i was then.




    Submitted on 2007-02-09 06:44:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Consider revising: "stabbed me in the back," is cliché. other than that - nothing.

    Praises: this poem is a one of self-loathing and does not deviate it from it. your tone is consistent throughout and your rhymes are not the typical one syllable rhymes that have no creativity. the poem is honest and direct. you do a good job of "showing" and not "telling."

    Overall: (B+) because you overcame my cardinal rule of not rhyming. you did it and did well even if it was out of verse. it works here. though the poem did not speak to me very well - i give it a high grade because it you hit your target very well. the character hates herself and the poem gives us good insights into why.


    | Posted on 2007-02-22 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]
       Very good, reminded me of a rough poet or some Tom Waits thing, albeit with some differences, obviously nothing is exactly alike, and this shows it. I don't know what I'm getting at cause I'm really out of it, but this was great.
    | Posted on 2007-02-09 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]
      Been there, done that, got the cuddly toy? I wonder? If you have then this is fine, if you haven't then it is even finer. Beautifully casual, almost throw-away style. the fact that you HAD to rhyme has given the piece a discipline that it might not have had in free verse. i want to read more from you. Well done and thank you for the read.
    Donald
    | Posted on 2007-02-09 00:00:00 | by siradrian | [ Reply to This ]
      A fine meter which makes this poem easy to read ... excellent narritive style, good clear images expressed in a great "matter of fact" manner, always best in poems like this .... bravo ... bravo ... bravo... michael
    | Posted on 2007-02-09 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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