untitled by Liv2LoveThePain

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Submission Name: untitled dots

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Author:	Liv2LoveThePain
ASL Info:	19 - F - Philly
Elite Ratio:	4.23 - 1527/1515/256
Words:	117

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	922
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	912

Description:
I'll come up with a title later. Nothing seems right.

untitled dots

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With midnight cries,
cathedral eyes,
and hollow words
until we die...
I'm glad I'm not in love again.

December lights
in blurry sights
when bombs and tanks
roll by at night...
I'm glad I'm not in love again.

Glittering sins
from medicines,
laughing until
the day begins...
I'm glad I'm not in love again.

Self-deception,
false perfection,
two hearts sharing
one infection...
I'm glad I'm not in love again.

Souls draped in flies,
sarcastic sighs,
a promise to
believe the lies...
I'm glad I'm not in love again.

Closed casket door,
blood stains the floor,
no roses live
here anymore...
I wish I were in love again.

Submitted on 2007-02-09 21:47:17 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
No kidding...I think you should call this one..."The Poem You Wished You Wrote Cuz It Kicks F*ckin A$$"

I wished I could have wrote it, because it kicks such f*ckin a$$...but alas, I am just a pauper who must add it as a fave.

Very, very powerful writing dear Kinnni.

Goes good with my chicken strips and stove top stuffing.
| Posted on 2007-02-20 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
....

Alright, now I know that the other poem that I favorited wasn't just a fluke. You have such a talent for writing and pacing of poems. Amazing. I love the deception/infection stanza. Everything went together perfectly. The only thing that I would consider changing in this is the last stanza, and it's only for the spacing. Maybe:

Closed casket door,
blood stains (on) the floor,
no roses live here anymore...
I wish I were in love again.

The short phrases worked before because they were different parts of a sentence (clauses I think, I didn't pay attention to those in English) any, the "no roses" line should be continual on one line just so it doesn't break it in two. That's the only thing that stuck out to me....Which goes to show that this piece is brilliant. I love the "refrain" line at the end of every stanza and then the change at the end. It's really true of how people want things that they know will end up hurting them...if that's what was meant by it. Unfortunately I can't favorite everything of yours, just know that I want to. lol.

*sandi*
| Posted on 2007-02-09 00:00:00 | by Dimension_X | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.