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    dots Submission Name: Sundered Summerdots

    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 230/390/136
    Words: 142
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 944
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 988

       This is probably my best piece of organized poetry.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSundered Summerdots

    It was a tacit agreement that we formed,
    an unexpressed understanding born
    in the nights of our sundered summer.
    We rendezvoused with each other,
    quite by accident. The waterfront was booming
    with our thoughts; though we, unassuming, said little.

    We sat in silence, watching our private universes
    meet- melding and joining until we witnessed a genesis,
    the birth of a single microcosm with room for two.
    Our mouths remained untroubled, the union far too new
    for the subtle, erratic duplicity of speech,
    for the taint of monochromatic vocal bleach.

    The aching molecules of our anguished existence
    clung eagerly to the comfort of a joint subsistence.
    fingers reached, searched, and came together-
    we found our own selves within each other.
    There, on the dark sand, we cleansed our tarnished souls.
    In the middle of our broken lives, we finally felt whole.

    Submitted on 2007-02-10 17:23:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with Fizz here. The first stanza really does need the rhyme work. It has a soft, feminine, slanty kind of rhyme for most of it, but you still loose it for the last two lines and they are noticably missing as you read through the piece.
    | Posted on 2007-05-24 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      Do you know what?

    I do believe this has strong potential to be published.

    It is obvious that you spent time to polish it, and it really shows.

    The scientific terms fit so neatly in such a chemical rxn, that they seem...home here.

    The only thing that I think truly needs attention is the lack of an ending rhyme in S1.

    But only because S2 & S3 are sporting one.
    | Posted on 2007-02-21 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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