[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Sundered Summerdots

    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 230/385/134
    Words: 142
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 847
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 988

       This is probably my best piece of organized poetry.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSundered Summerdots

    It was a tacit agreement that we formed,
    an unexpressed understanding born
    in the nights of our sundered summer.
    We rendezvoused with each other,
    quite by accident. The waterfront was booming
    with our thoughts; though we, unassuming, said little.

    We sat in silence, watching our private universes
    meet- melding and joining until we witnessed a genesis,
    the birth of a single microcosm with room for two.
    Our mouths remained untroubled, the union far too new
    for the subtle, erratic duplicity of speech,
    for the taint of monochromatic vocal bleach.

    The aching molecules of our anguished existence
    clung eagerly to the comfort of a joint subsistence.
    fingers reached, searched, and came together-
    we found our own selves within each other.
    There, on the dark sand, we cleansed our tarnished souls.
    In the middle of our broken lives, we finally felt whole.

    Submitted on 2007-02-10 17:23:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with Fizz here. The first stanza really does need the rhyme work. It has a soft, feminine, slanty kind of rhyme for most of it, but you still loose it for the last two lines and they are noticably missing as you read through the piece.
    | Posted on 2007-05-24 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      Do you know what?

    I do believe this has strong potential to be published.

    It is obvious that you spent time to polish it, and it really shows.

    The scientific terms fit so neatly in such a chemical rxn, that they seem...home here.

    The only thing that I think truly needs attention is the lack of an ending rhyme in S1.

    But only because S2 & S3 are sporting one.
    | Posted on 2007-02-21 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    The Promise written by annie0888
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Bond written by saartha
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Linger written by saartha
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Summer written by layDsayD
    One Day written by WriteSomething
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Wavelength written by saartha
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    written by Daniel Barlow




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]