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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The last timedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: just an angel
    ASL Info:    17/F/FL
    Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 95/109/59
    Words: 153
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 744
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1044



    Description:
       Probably the main thing this person is trying to quit would seem to be drugs, and that was at first my intention, but this poem could be taken into many different perspectives. It could be anything that anyone you love is trying to quit, and they say they'll stio just for you. That's good right? Well, actually I found out recently that its not. The person should not quit for you or anyone, but for themselves otherwise they'll never really get out of the habit. Drugs was my intention and is my own problem with my own love, but it could be anything. Yet what I realized it that I am the "little whore" standing in the way, all a person has to do is push me out of the way to get what they want. Until they stop wanting it, then will the threat of their habit be truly gone. There's not much I can do


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    dotsThe last timedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Pop one in now
    Just once more
    Let the room spin
    As a I fall to the floor

    I'll stop for you
    All of this damn crap
    Let me try to escape
    This last death trap

    Tomorrow its all over
    I'll be done with this shit
    Give me the damn pill
    And tomorrow I'll quit

    (she doesn't give him what he wants)

    You dumb bitch
    You little whore
    You think I'm someone
    To feel sorry for?

    I'm only stopping for you
    That should be enough
    Now stop being stupid
    And give me the stuff

    (He suddenly feels sorry for what how he's treating her)

    Oh baby I'm sorry
    I don't mean what I say
    It's just hard to quit
    Something I've done everyday

    Don't worry at all
    Tomorrow I swear I'm done
    It'll be just you and me
    With all this crap undone




    Submitted on 2007-02-11 16:41:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i agree with ygi that the structure of the poem grew from cute, to bearable, to intolerable pretty quick. i think had the writing been half as long, this style of structure would have been more appropriate and appriciated.

    but on the brite side, the emotion and subject of it all is true and relateable to alot of people im sure. im a recovering addict, oxycontin namely, was my drug of choice and i fight everyday not to get my hands on some. life sure was more managable when i was high.

    overall, great effort and i look forward to more of your work.

    -caster.
    | Posted on 2007-02-12 00:00:00 | by caster | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought this was pretty good, but allow me to give some critique. The rhyming was good, however the scheme for rhyming was inredibly repetative, and as such made some lines almost predictable, even though they weren't nescisarily cliché. Do you see what I'm saying? The repetative nature of the rhyme scheme kind of got to me. Also, there is a little bit of a rage outburst starting halfway through. Emotion is an amazing thing, but keep in mind that a lyrical outburst is much different then putting emotion into an already placed lyric or poem line.
    | Posted on 2007-02-11 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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