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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: reawakedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: koster
    ASL Info:    51 So. Calif deser
    Elite Ratio:    6.89 - 185/105/78
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 852
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 987



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsreawakedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The curious feeling of night's release
    as the tendrils of sleep's exotic vine
    unwind and detach from the walls
    that hold my soul captive here
    has come upon me now
    The memories of all the nightmare years
    are being swept away
    like fallen blossoms shriveling
    their colors fading to tans and browns
    the sense of lonliness
    that only those who have grieved
    can understand is becoming intangible
    and knowing there is a sparkle
    in my eyes ready to lift
    the grey filter from my sight
    has began because of you.
    at this late hour the preciousness
    of our unexpected spring
    places me
    childlike
    running through a sunlit meadow
    to find you more
    beautiful
    than the stunning intricacy
    held in a wildflower
    the world offers to celebrate
    my heart's gladness
    to find itself awakend





    Submitted on 2007-02-13 13:53:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey hey, that was amazing imagery you have right there. the flow gets interrupted a few times like :

    "of our unexpected spring
    places me
    childlike"

    is appropriate whereas

    "to find you more
    beautiful
    than the stunning intricacy"

    sounds more abrupt. maybe if you take beautiful back a line and attach to it previously, it would move near the end better. There are a few more places where it feels good at some points and others it sounds awkward but i'm an incredibly lazy person. =p sorry haha.

    <!>catie
    | Posted on 2007-03-17 00:00:00 | by Catie O Daniels | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi,

    Would of done it slightly different:

    Slight change:

    L15: "the grey filter from my sight"
    Swap grey for "Hazy"

    Very descriptive, and like the flow of the words, some would say use, punctuation.

    But it is fine without, on second thought, it could help readability.

    Slight mod:

    "the grey filter from my sight
    has began because of you."
    To:
    "the hazy filter of my eyes, has been traced to you"

    Liked the following:

    "the world offers to celebrate
    my heart's gladness
    to find itself awakend"

    Kind regards
    Eric
    | Posted on 2007-02-14 00:00:00 | by bornx2000 | [ Reply to This ]


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