31st Hour by tOXIC

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Submission Name: 31st Hour dots

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Author:	tOXIC_wAST3
Elite Ratio:	5.08 - 10/8/3
Words:	62

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	140
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	472

Description:
This poem doesn't really make any sense but I'm happy with it that way. I wrote it for my fiancee who helped me to edit it. I hope someone enjoys it.

31st Hour dots

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Full of empty ice,
Don't listen to the deaf,
Running through these corridors,
Burning eyes by flickered lights.

Drowning in moon dust,
Consuming Screams in you,
Earth and sky arteries blue,
I am everything and more.

Midnight power flies,
Firing the bruises,
Cage lines are interfering,
Distorting the surrender,
The call of the kiss.

Submitted on 2007-02-13 19:54:40 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  i thought this was extremely interesting. the way it is written, i could not help but read quickly. don't get me wrong, i wasn't just skimming, it is just a really fast poem. it gave me a little adrenaline as well, it felt like i was running and trying to read at the same time. different. but yeah, this put some really cool pictures in my mind that were, while vague, very enticing and atmospheric. great imagery! i must say that the end was a little...weird. i don't think i'd go so far as to say dissapointing, but perhaps you could have done better. overall though, this was a very unique write, good job!
| Posted on 2007-08-15 00:00:00 | by freddybuzzkill | [ Reply to This ]
  im not really sure what you are trying to say in this piece...?

what is the significance of the 31st hour for a start? perhaps it is some reference to which i am in the dark as to its meaning and that is why this piece doesnt seem to say anything at all as i read it...

but even without being able to relate the title to the content i am still at a loss as to what you are saying.

your imagery is vague and doesnt seem to connect from stanza to stanza.

i dont know... i think you could do better.

Full of empty ice,

empty ice? how does one get empty ice? all i can think of would be dry ice...

Don't listen to the deaf,

what are the deaf saying? what do they represent? who are they? and why should i not listen to them...?

Running through these corridors,

where are these corridors? you dont tell me where i am which... if i were to have to run i would be confused and overwhelmed...

Burning eyes by flickered lights.

Drowning in moon dust,

moon dust... are we outside now? what is the significance of the moon dust... you seem to speak as if i already know these things but i dont...

Consuming Screams in you,

why the capitalisation of "Screams"? is it more important? is it for emphasis?

Earth and sky arteries blue,

i like this line... i have no idea its significance in the scheme of the piece but it makes me think of lines on a map like veins on a wrist for some reason...

I am everything and more.

was there ever any doubt you werent everything? and what does everything and more consist of...?

Midnight power flies,

this line isnt so clear. is it the power at midnight that is flying? or are you speaking of a breed of fly called midnight power? [the latter being a little far fetched by plausible considering i have no idea what you are saying...]

Firing the bruises,

what is firing bruises? and where are the bruises landing...?

Cage lines are interfering,

this is the first mention of cages to me... what is the cage and who is in it? should i be afraid of the cage...?

Distorting the surrender,

what is the surrender? i do not understand what there is to surrender from/for/to...

The call of the kiss.

i didnt mean to pull your piece apart but i really think you can do better... i dont understand anything...
please dont take this as a "[censored]" but rather as a "i know you can do better"
challenged yourself. rewrite this. make yourself understood.
if you do decide to do anything with this piece let me know. i would be interested to see where it goes and how it turns out.
good luck.

| Posted on 2007-07-14 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm impressed hun.
apart from a couple of spelling errors I really enjoyed this piece.

Read through it again and alter the mistakes and I will be even more proud of you than I already am.

| Posted on 2007-02-13 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]
   This definatly requires one to read it more than once. It has a taste of haiku in it. Once it is understood it is a very nice piece of work. I have to say it is one of the very few pieces I have ever read that feel like this one does. The flow is distorted, and yet it makes some sense once read again. Every line at first appears contradictory to the next but I am curious, did you intend it to be that way? Any ways, good write.
-John Ryan
| Posted on 2007-02-13 00:00:00 | by Silencer | [ Reply to This ]

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