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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: all that glitters, 'n all thatdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Vasudeva
    ASL Info:    43/M/irrelevant
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 24/27/23
    Words: 114
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 869
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 904



    Description:
       Trying to capture something here...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsall that glitters, 'n all thatdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The child walks up
    to the marbled smile,
    that gets called something else.

    The birds all know
    and scatter.

    The invinsible kid
    hasn't figured it out yet.

    The splash of
    blind mirrored pennies
    flashing copper
    beautiful lady luck
    promises wealth
    Truth
    rendering him broke
    but sweetly hopeful.

    He has the faith
    of dreams.

    Perhaps some mojo was plied
    from some
    magical sarcophagus
    hammered in copper..

    City skyscrapers
    with their angles
    and rhetoric,
    float and bob
    on the surface.

    the constant motion
    the living and breathing

    All that glitters is not gold.
    It contains
    the lesson of illusion.
    Free to all.





    Submitted on 2007-02-15 01:02:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hi,

    These are just suggestions ...

    Lets start ...

    "Just words shake and divide.
    The river excuses.
    The rolling pennies,
    flash mirrored copper,
    rendering him
    broke
    and
    sweetly blind."

    Int the first paragraph do you need the first 2 lines?

    "The rolling pennies,
    flash mirrored copper,
    rendering him
    broke
    and
    sweetly blind."

    Makes just as much sense, if this is about a wishing well.

    What does this mean?

    "Just words shake and divide.
    The river excuses."

    Yes agree, words can make a big impact and can cause division in the form of statements,opinions.

    Is the river the masses of people, with there own thoughts and lives, that they just don't listen, or care about the bigger picture?, or that live carries on cause it have to, no matter what is said ..."

    "A child walks to the edge.
    Its terrible crowded imagination
    moves like rippling waves."

    The calculated cement
    coming up and shocking his bones."

    This could be slightly re-written to:

    "A child walks to the edge.
    Birds circle.
    They know
    he doesn't know,
    hasn't figured it out yet,
    hasn't even come close."

    These lines:
    "Its terrible crowded imagination
    moves like rippling waves."
    - are nice lines but not for this poem, maybe the next..

    He thinks his wishes
    will come to fruition
    as the toss of some copper.

    Perhaps it was plied
    from some
    magic sarcophagus,
    like in the movies.

    This line I feel is unnecessary, or could be in brackets
    (like in the movies.).

    City skyscrapers
    with their angles
    and rhetoric,
    float and bob
    on the surface.

    the constant motion
    the living and breathing
    riches
    Shiny flashing gold and silver,
    like the lesson of illusion,
    free to all.

    Like this Part:
    "like the lesson of illusion,
    free to all."

    Would of said this it the end of the poem:

    The rest could be built into a sequel.

    Great work, keep writing, enjoyed reading.

    Kind regards
    Eric
    | Posted on 2007-02-15 00:00:00 | by bornx2000 | [ Reply to This ]


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    134945

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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