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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: S.E. (Touch): Take Me Indots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: EmpathicAya
    ASL Info:    13+8/unMale/Your Mind
    Elite Ratio:    7.31 - 700/456/109
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1414
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 651



    Description:
       !!!!!!!!!!!READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!
    These next posts are my Creative Writing Exercises. They were Sensory Exercises(S.E.) and I had to write one using only one of each of the five senses, so I am going to post all five of them on here. There's going to be three little poems for hearing. This exercises, I got to touch on of these squishy things. I was sad when he took it away... boo! Enjoy!
    Blessings,
    ~Azura*


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsS.E. (Touch): Take Me Indots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your seemingly passive-agressive,
    soft, mushy texture
    openly welcomed my hand.
    Little did I know, you quickly
    rejected my imprints as
    I made them. As I trap you within the
    cagey confinements of my
    fingers, I sense your wasted efforts
    of escape.
    Worn out from the efforts of
    those who try to
    leave their mark on you, you have
    become gritty.
    The part of you which feels
    different is who you are, but
    if you won't take me in, I
    will hold you,
    forever.




    Submitted on 2007-02-16 20:27:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      After reading through this piece a few times, one of the only things that sticks out to me as bothersome is your use of periods. I keep reading it as

    description
    STOP
    Description
    STOP
    description
    STOP

    It seems too abrupt each time you continue the poem. I quickly read through it while pretending the periods weren't there and it sounded better, it flowed smoother, with the help of an added word or two.

    You did a great job not starting everything with "the," i myself had problems with that one until the end of high school, I believe.

    I like your word choices, and the way you make everything sound through description.

    Your seemingly passive-agressive,

    soft, mushy texture

    openly welcomed my hand.


    I like this. You couldn't have opened your poem a better way.
    | Posted on 2007-03-16 00:00:00 | by Agent V. | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm thinking of dragonflies. Don't ask me why.
    Your ending's a cliffhanger (why do I always start with endings?) and the half sentences would probably poke my brain to read disjointedly and pretty fast, but that's just the beauty of it, the poem still flows when read either way.
    I should try this "sensory experience".
    Cheers!
    Azuire
    | Posted on 2007-03-12 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Azura,

    You weave your theme so cunningly throughout this write. I believe it is because of your honesty that it comes across so vividly. and you're not afraid to find your own level in the words. And it is revealing in its own way, like water, that seeks its own level.

    So in essence, it feels like a journey that you've taken us on.
    And owing to the assignment, you've done very well with leading us
    inside your thoughts and experience. Bravo! I wouldn't change a word.

    blessings and love, Goddess,

    Nan

    | Posted on 2007-03-09 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I can't shake the thought of mud for some reason...I really can't.

    I tried.

    I think you're improving every time I stop by your little section, here, and I hope you continue to do so.

    It's too easy to accidentally suffocate something with our well meant grips...and even when I try to think of something living - or even a clingy lover - all I can see is mud.

    I don't know why, honestly. It is what it is what it is.

    | Posted on 2007-03-05 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]
      You did well on this exercise. There's something about it...hmmm, I will have to reflect on it for a bit, but yeah, it had a wonderfully dark feel to it, something of the succubus, hehe. The lucky little guy!

    Poor squishy!

    PS I liked this one best of the three...
    | Posted on 2007-02-27 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with all that Icarus said - hehe. I really love the structure of this, and it has nice rhythm. I'm not normally overly fond of free-style poetry, that doesn't rhyme, because I'm a rhymer *snicker* but I really enjoyed this. You chose your words wisely, and the imagery was well inserted.

    I had a boyfriend once that felt that way about me.... lol!

    Lovely write, dear!

    Cheers and God bless,

    ~Mand~
    | Posted on 2007-02-17 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like how this reads like an obsessive possesive love poem, quite scary but strangely romantic

    Or, even, that silly squishy thing is a wild creature that you've trapped with the "cagey confinements" of your fingers; there's the human need to tame, leave a mark on the umarkable, but ultimately it's unthinking essence is beyond control, it's its own, a forever wild and free squishy thing. The resulting frustration, heavily tinted with jealousy, makes you proclaim "I will hold you, forever", that "forever" on its own sounding so very sinister.

    But then, like the squishy thing, any meaning on the poem ultimately doesn't change it, is just me playing with it, changing it's shape for a brief moment of fun.

    I really rather love this poem.
    | Posted on 2007-02-17 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]


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