Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Eternity's Belldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mandi Gayle
    ASL Info:    22/Female/Kentucky
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 298/348/150
    Words: 241
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1077
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1544



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEternity's Belldots
    -------------------------------------------


    While lost in the valley of broken dreams,
    My hope went frigid and cracked at the seams.
    Now I’m walking on pieces of shattered regimes,
    And sin-cloaked Lucifer swallows my screams.

    I’m dancing with demons in passionate flames,
    And laughing out loud at their dangerous games;
    Serpents are coiling and staking their claims
    On the most beautiful and richest of dames.

    Heaven please hear me as I desperately yell,
    I’ve succumbed so willingly to my personal Hell;
    The Devil is nigh, ringing Eternity’s Bell,
    He knows the way out but never will tell.

    I’m drowning and burning in this liquid fire,
    Being held and bruised by the hands of Ire;
    My penance is lewd, and my sins shall require
    My body to Satan for his demons to sire.

    Children, oh Children! I’ve become the Queen!
    Of this decayed domain that should never be seen!
    Flames run rampant in my soul’s deep ravine,
    And the tears on my cheeks are sparks left unseen.

    Self-deprecation is such a twisted thing,
    And to the last of my hope I desperately cling;
    But it’s slipping with every beat of the wing
    Of Satan’s black Pegasus carrying his King.

    It’s too late for redemption; my Judgment has passed,
    I was charged for my sins and in Hell I’ve been cast;
    In the Pit I hear cheering, everyone is amassed,
    The Devil is smiling, and this word is my last.




    Submitted on 2007-02-17 00:22:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Very well written, lol I seem to say this to most of my poems to you. Alright, correct me if I am wrong, I hope I am not, because I really want to know if I understood this poem, because it was good, and it reminds me of many of my own poetry, and I really apprechiated coming across this. I saw inside of this beginning when you talked about you were lost inside of a land of broken dreams, and it already hit me. Something dramatic happened to you in your earlier life, I don't know what it was yet, but I felt through these lines of this poem, I saw this hopelessness and this depression that your acheing to get out of. But anyways, you have undergone something in your life that has not only ripped you of your faith, but has sent your mind that your body, your spirit, and your emotions are all sentenced to be punished, I hope Im making sense, because Im being compasionate towards this write, because I can really famalirise with it. And in this land of broken dreams, (your personal hell what we call it being on this world, and feeling completely alone, betrayed, forsaken, and forgotten) your hope began to crack completely. And your later rapped of your faith, and my Father, maybe not yours, but Lucifer is taking your nightmares<----I could be completely wrong about this, once again correct me if I am wrong. I saw later that bleak of faith, no thats wrong, that longing for that lost faith, as a last resort maybe, or a prayer for salvation as I could see you screaming towards the sky inside of tears as I read this line:

    Heaven please hear me as I desperately yell,
    I’ve succumbed so willingly to my personal Hell;


    And as you mention about the devil knows the way out of this, I can only see suicide, because a lot of people can see as suicide as many tools of the devil, or should I say that many people believe that suicide leads you to the gates to hell. But Im still a bit confused about that, and hated making that statement, because I could be way off and once again please correct me if I am wrong, because I stronlgy think I am, but you never know I could be right. That's just what I felt.

    Basically I see the hurt inside of you inside this write, I see the religous turmoil you have undergone, and it seems that something out their has stripped you of that faith, and you don't want that. I can see it. The yelling of salvation towards the heavens inside of this poem. I could see the self-deciet, and I could see the tears almost.

    It was very descriptive, very excelled, and it also was painted with strong emotions. I notice you didn't place a description on this post, and that is not needed I don't think. Having a description to me, is only letting people know what you are feeling, instead of having them find out for themselves, and I do this to some of my poetry, because I want to talk to the right poets when Im depressed, I find it rather easier for somebody to relate to me through the hidden reason that I wrote my poem rather than them relate to me in a given reason, this only means that they really read your poem, and those people can be really help you in your times you need it on this site.

    I can see now though more about you inside of this poem, and why you have chosen that darker side, and I also relate to you more after this, and I am so glad you refered me to this, it was worth the read. It is also going to one of my favorites.

    I will keep on writting you as you write more, and I hope to see more from you soon. Because you really portrait not only a saddness in your writes, but a beauty in all of it.

    | Posted on 2007-03-22 00:00:00 | by Crestfallenman | [ Reply to This ]
      In my opinion I think it is splendid that you so often delve into that dark place.
    Most find in frightening…I on the other hand find it most intriguing.

    “The Devil is nigh, ringing Eternity’s Bell,
    He knows the way out but never will tell.”

    Amusing how he is often portrayed as a jokester.
    That is a thought worth pondering…if the Father of Lies indeed has a sense of humor.

    “Satan’s black Pegasus carrying his King.”

    The imagery within this line alone is brilliantly done.
    A peaceful virginal idea of such purity, distorted to such malevolence.

    “I’m drowning and burning in this liquid fire,
    Being held and bruised by the hands of Ire;
    My penance is lewd, and my sins shall require
    My body to Satan for his demons to sire.”

    This has got to be the one that stands apart from the rest.
    Cannot put my finger on it just as why…
    But there is something definitely at hand that rings my bell. ;)
    Perhaps it is the thought of demons executing unimaginable acts, to a house for the soul.
    It reminds me of Edward Lee’s Demons in “City Infernal”

    Spectacular as Always!

    Until we speak again…
    | Posted on 2007-02-23 00:00:00 | by theDevilsPocket | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh my god wow, this is amazing…I loved it. I definitely have to add this to my favourites. I absolutely loved these two verses.

    “Heaven please hear me as I desperately yell,
    I’ve succumbed so willingly to my personal Hell;
    The Devil is nigh, ringing Eternity’s Bell,
    He knows the way out but never will tell.”

    “Children, oh Children! I’ve become the Queen!
    Of this decayed domain that should never be seen!
    Flames run rampant in my soul’s deep ravine,
    And the tears on my cheeks are sparks left unseen.”

    Unfortunately I have to critique this a bit if I want to leave a comment. We’ll it seems to me that although the stanza I’ve chose to critique is written really well, I think there just maybe a word to much in it. Instead of

    “I’m dancing with demons in passionate flames,
    And laughing out loud at their dangerous games;
    Serpents are coiling and staking their claims
    On all the most beautiful and richest of dames.”

    I think it would sound better if you removed the word ‘all’ but it’s just a suggestion.

    “I’m dancing with demons in passionate flames,
    And laughing out loud at their dangerous games;
    Serpents are coiling and staking their claims
    On the most beautiful and richest of dames.”

    There’s nothing else I can critique at all about this poem, it’s perfect and I love it (as I’ve said lol).

    Linzi x
    | Posted on 2007-02-19 00:00:00 | by Linzi | [ Reply to This ]
      favorite..no doubt
    | Posted on 2007-02-19 00:00:00 | by Ani | [ Reply to This ]
      THIS IS AMAZING!! Ok, not only do I completely and totally love the rhyme scheme, because it is extremely hard to make poems rhyme ABAB and make them make sense, and ABAB has much more word usage freedom than AAAA BBBB, and you managed to make it work, so that was running through my mind as I read this, Pure genius. But also, the theme of this poem is a great one, and I love the last line of the last stanza. I love this so much, and I could see it, or maybe feel it, and make my own pictures in my head, but it was all too marvelous, and lovely. I think this is one of the best poems I've read on here in a while. Or maybe this is biased, because I do love rhymed poetry, only because it's so hard for me, and this seems so genius, and you made it work. *dies* Ok, enough of me rambles. This is an amazing job, thought. Fantastico, a million stars!
    Be at peace,
    ~Azura*
    | Posted on 2007-02-17 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes...I like this one much more. Very well written and the rhyming carries through this write nicely. You created great images that draw the reader thru each verse throughout the piece. Great job!

    Dennis
    | Posted on 2007-02-17 00:00:00 | by Daokao | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem feels really archiac, the voice like an echo from the 17th century, a final message from hell billowed up on sulpher cloud to resonate in a 21st century caught up in "broken dreams" to such an extent that apocalypitc doom seems so very close.

    I think the rhyme and rhythm of this piece is on the whole very well done, and the way in which each stanza in held together but a single rhyme gives a kind of claustrophic feel, a sense of being trapped by sin-sealed fate. However there are a few lines that don't seem to work as well as the others do, especially in the third stanza:

    Heaven please hear me as I desperately yell,
    I’ve succumbed so willingly to my personal Hell;
    The Devil draws nigh, ringing Eternity’s Bell,
    He knows the way out but he will never tell.


    The third line seems quite cumbersome and bulky compared to the rest, especially the phrase "ringing Eternity's Bell". I'm not sure exactly how to change, perhaps reduce "ringing" to "rings"? But I don't really like the sound of that, so I don't know, just something to think about.

    I also think the final of that stanza would sound better as:

    He knows the way out but he never will tell.

    But it's entirely up to you.

    Oh, and also in the second stanza, these two lines:

    I’m dancing with demons in passionate flames,
    And laughing out loud at their dangerous games


    to me sounded out of place. The whole dancing and laughing out loud really struck me as being in complete contrast to the fearful and terrified nature of the rest of the poem and so distracted rather than added anything to the poem. But perhaps I'm just missing the point of them.

    Overall though, I thought this poem was really quite well written and handled such dark subject matter in a far better way than the majority of such poems on the internet. Thanks for sharing it.
    | Posted on 2007-02-17 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi,

    First want to say, that was well written, and the poem was good, you write well, and your observations to detail is briliant, word usage is above average.

    Unable to help to improve the poem.

    Is it possible to add a little description, like for instance, when you wrote it, and how you felt while writing it?

    Kind regards
    Eric
    | Posted on 2007-02-17 00:00:00 | by bornx2000 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    135189

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    prison written by ShyOne
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Love written by saartha
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Carry written by saartha
    The World written by jjd
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Cover written by saartha
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry