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    dots Submission Name: The coming of Night's armydots

    Author: forestspirit
    ASL Info:    21/m/inside
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 58/45/27
    Words: 79
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 925
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 505

       Was a very "spur of the moment" thing...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe coming of Night's armydots

    Splash of light brought by a crash
    Red, orange; a green shade of blue.
    A fiery orb meets to perish
    Bursts of warmth; a multitude of hue.

    A seagull flying away home
    An onlooker staring in dismay.
    Riding on wings, she comes
    To conquer and make her stay.

    Void of light, her wings spread out wide
    Her horsemen in brilliant shining armor.
    With her champion striding by her side
    A quick blow; her ship hits the harbor.

    Submitted on 2007-02-17 10:39:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Well, that was a wonderfully short shot of adreniline. The last stanza caught me off gaurd, I thought I was reading a "nature" poem and all of a sudden I'm shipwrecked in the middle of some type of epic battle.

    Very nicely done.

    "With her champion striding by her side
    A quick blow; her ship hits the harbor."

    That's my favorite part. It jolted me awake on a sleepy Tuesday morning. Thanks for that buddy.

    Sorrry this comment is so short, I'm in school.

    Party on!
    | Posted on 2007-03-20 00:00:00 | by MyFairCalamity | [ Reply to This ]
      I, as opposed to others, found 'A seagull... ...make her stay,' much easier to comprehend than the first stanza. It makes sense that a seagull flies away home and that an onlooker would be dismayed, especially due to the onset of twilight. I think, the coming of night was very evident in here, as opposed to the first para.

    Many reasons to that: i think, using 'Splash of light brought "by" a crash,' throws off the fact that the light is diminishing. Maybe, using "down" would help, because (I think) that would lead to the next sentence better (in my head, at least). And again, I thought '"bursts" of warmth' sounds more like an uprising as opposed to defeat, or surrender to Night.

    Not much to say about the ending. Maybe adding 'follow' in 'Her horsemen follow in brilliant shining armor' and an 'and' in 'A quick blow, and her ship hits the harbor.' would sound more final.

    And having said all that, I really hate to critique. But then, I like to hear honest opinions, which invariably mean some critique. I also get entirely defensive. I think you deal with all that way better.

    May the writer's spirit flow through your soul ... :D
    | Posted on 2007-02-21 00:00:00 | by fiery whisper | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm kind of with Dennis on this one. I really like it it... but I didn't completely get it. I thought I had it, but I, too, got thrown by the seagull, etc...

    But the structure is nice, and the imagery is good. Overall, it's a nice poem. Maybe it's just too late and I'm getting confused too easily *snicker* it's very possible.

    Anyway, I enjoyed reading :)

    Cheers and God bless!

    | Posted on 2007-02-18 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]
      Geez, I'm not sure what to say about this write of yours, I am having a difficult time comprehending just were you are taking it.

    The first part seems to be about the coming of the night...like a battle between day and night with all the twilight colors, etc.

    You have me spinning with the seagull, onlooker, horseman in armor and ships hitting the harbor.

    It seems like you were working to hard on the rhyme. I know you did this one quickly so keep working on it. It definately has potential.

    | Posted on 2007-02-17 00:00:00 | by Daokao | [ Reply to This ]

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