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    dots Submission Name: The Old Countrydots

    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 37
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 490
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 328

       ...thought masquerading as language...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Old Countrydots

    slavic matriarchs
    serenading children
    with harmonic wisdom

    shawl draped
    offerings of cradle songs
    and ancient hope

    the raw brick
    of abandoned tenements

    voices seeking
    ears that ceased
    to listen long ago

    Submitted on 2007-02-17 17:37:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      These pieces are always very wierd to me, a style that isn't one I ever seem to use, but I do tend to like them. It seems to be a dream or remembering in a fragmented manner, something you want to recall, but at the same time look back on it with a bit of... almost regret, silent and almost apathetic sorrow.
    | Posted on 2007-03-12 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]
      I think I could add your description as a preface to every poem I've ever written.

    First of all, was it your intention to structure these in such a way as they are all senryu? I've not known you to write structured poetry in the past, so I thought I'd ask.

    But the poem... I like it. I think the main word that set the imagery for me was "shawl." My grandmother was born in Russia and lived most of her life there, and my memories of her are all of her wearing a knitted shawl. But I digress... My guess for meaning (I'm a bit tired, so forgive my inaccuracy) would be the older elements of culture and tradition being ignored by the younger generations. We're a generation (okay, I'm a generation) quickly forsaking culture in favor of caffeine society.

    The poem itself... I don't like the first stanza. There are too many syllables, it just feels overloaded, especially when compared with the following three, none of which are as dense. I feel it is a somewhat significant stumbling block, tripping the reader up before they actually get into the poem. The three stanzas that follow I think are great, well structured. It's just that first one...

    Yep, I like it though. And I if my interpertion is anything close, I also understand. How unfortunate...

    Good write, Bill.
    | Posted on 2007-02-18 00:00:00 | by wool raincoat | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, I really liked this! You managed to say a whole lot without many words. Short and to the point, but no less of a poem.

    Nice structure, good vocabulary, and excellent wording. I'd offer some constructive criticism, but I don't seem to have any for this. It's a great piece, thanks for sharing!

    Cheers and God bless,

    | Posted on 2007-02-18 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]

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