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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Tonight I Lay Awake...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 103
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1019
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 827



    Description:
       this came to me quickly tonight, so i thought that i would post it...
    it needs work so go easy on me, o.k.
    title is a working title...
    THIS IS A FIRST DRAFT....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTonight I Lay Awake...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Nestled, in evenings
    Bosom I lay awake
    Gazing at flurries
    Of snowflakes
    Flecked with revelation
    Swirl around my pane

    ~Mysteries divulged~

    Words seep through
    Fractured heavens
    Clothing me as
    A new born babe

    Through my frosted
    Window the willow
    Harkens the wrested
    Babblings of the
    Lonely brook
    As a child’s cry
    Fades to an echo,
    Swallowed by oblivion

    Stiff blades of grass
    Shatter beneath
    Pensive thoughts
    Icy skies crumble
    Like post-mortem
    Butterfly wings
    Before lonesome eyes

    Tonight, I lie in the cradle
    Of darkness,
    My faint flame snuffed by a sigh…




    Submitted on 2007-02-17 19:38:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Hi john-paul,

    the last strophe only reminds me that you've found peace in your surroundings and can sleep.

    the whole work is pastoral and lovely, and brings me a sense of how longing can subside..

    thanks for sharing,

    Nan
    | Posted on 2010-06-07 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      This was excellent. I love the imagery.

    "Words seep through
    Fractured heavens
    Clothing me as
    A new born babe"

    That was my favourite part, but I loved every stanza. I really can't offer any constructive criticism on this one, because I absolutely adore it. Wonderful piece!

    Cheers and God bless,

    ~Mandi~
    | Posted on 2007-02-18 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]
      I do agree with rws take that this is a poem about seraching for the muse. my points will hinge on that.

    Nestled, in evenings
    Bosom I lay awake
    Gazing at flurries
    Of snowflakes
    Flecked with revelation
    Swirl around my pane
    Mysteries divulged-

    Strange, when sitting up a night trying to sum up the things i have inside of me, i've never felt nestled in anything. it suggest such acomfort, which seems a stark contrast to your closing line. however, this is night's bosom, so i suppose this works. i've just always pictured night comforting. i do like flecked with revelation, it suggests that slight, fleeting gleam in which we think it is . . . but it is gone just as quickly.
    Mysteries divulged? it is done? they are divulged? no, it is interrupted by the -, which i like. but still, the tense seems strange. mysteries divulg- possibly?

    Words seep through
    Fractured heavens
    Clothing me as
    A new born babe

    fractured heavens? interesting, i do like seep, but i think there is a stronger verb. drip? flirt? echo? as a new born babe, poetry, writing brings you back to innocence? interesting. i suppose the perfect honesty of nakedness/youth is also in poetry. well said.

    Through my frosted
    Window the willow
    Harkens the wrested
    Babblings of the
    Lonely brook
    As a child’s cry
    Fades to an echo,
    Swallowed by oblivion

    Stiff blades of grass
    Shatter beneath
    Pensive thoughts
    Icy skies crumble
    Like post-mortem
    Butterfly wings
    Before lonesome eyes

    Tonight, I lie in the cradle
    Of darkness,
    My faint flame snuffed by a sigh…


    in a few places the hanging lines interest me. the opening 2nd and 3rd stanzas, bosom, heavens, window . . . butterfly wings . . . you know the one si mean. i like the halting rythm it gives the peice, the pauses.

    a solid write. in general, i thought the closing line was the strongest of the peace. the surrounding imagery was good, but keeping the candle metaphor throughout the peice, that would be an amazing poem.

    Good luck. Thanks for letting us read this.

    Moot
    | Posted on 2007-02-17 00:00:00 | by AptPupilofLife2 | [ Reply to This ]
      I do agree with rws take that this is a poem about seraching for the muse. my points will hinge on that.

    Nestled, in evenings
    Bosom I lay awake
    Gazing at flurries
    Of snowflakes
    Flecked with revelation
    Swirl around my pane
    Mysteries divulged-

    Strange, when sitting up a night trying to sum up the things i have inside of me, i've never felt nestled in anything. it suggest such acomfort, which seems a stark contrast to your closing line. however, this is night's bosom, so i suppose this works. i've just always pictured night comforting. i do like flecked with revelation, it suggests that slight, fleeting gleam in which we think it is . . . but it is gone just as quickly.
    Mysteries divulged? it is done? they are divulged? no, it is interrupted by the -, which i like. but still, the tense seems strange. mysteries divulg- possibly?

    Words seep through
    Fractured heavens
    Clothing me as
    A new born babe

    fractured heavens? interesting, i do like seep, but i think there is a stronger verb. drip? flirt? echo? as a new born babe, poetry, writing brings you back to innocence? interesting. i suppose the perfect honesty of nakedness/youth is also in poetry. well said.

    Through my frosted
    Window the willow
    Harkens the wrested
    Babblings of the
    Lonely brook
    As a child’s cry
    Fades to an echo,
    Swallowed by oblivion

    Stiff blades of grass
    Shatter beneath
    Pensive thoughts
    Icy skies crumble
    Like post-mortem
    Butterfly wings
    Before lonesome eyes

    Tonight, I lie in the cradle
    Of darkness,
    My faint flame snuffed by a sigh…


    in a few places the hanging lines interest me. the opening 2nd and 3rd stanzas, bosom, heavens, window . . . butterfly wings . . . you know the one si mean. i like the halting rythm it gives the peice, the pauses.

    a solid write. in general, i thought the closing line was the strongest of the peace. the surrounding imagery was good, but keeping the candle metaphor throughout the peice, that would be an amazing poem.

    Good luck. Thanks for letting us read this.

    Moot
    | Posted on 2007-02-17 00:00:00 | by AptPupilofLife2 | [ Reply to This ]
      Words seep through
    Fractured heavens
    Clothing me as
    A new born babe

    Stiff blades of grass
    Shatter beneath
    Pensive thoughts
    Icy skies crumble
    Like post-mortem
    Butterfly wings
    Before lonesome eyes

    Tonight, I lie in the cradle
    Of darkness,
    My faint flame snuffed by a sigh..



    Other than the brief reference to snowflakes as words, this write most resembles a pastoral meditation on the stillness of winter, John Paul. I can't imagine your 'faint flame' has been snuffed by death, so I'll assume you're wrestling the muse as you try to reignite the passion of some of your earlier work. Either that or you're sleepy. ;)

    Take care, J.P.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2007-02-17 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


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