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when i die


Author: Themissingshado
ASL Info:    22/male/Seattle
Elite Ratio:    2.27 - 23 /52 /32
Words: 44
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 779
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 278



Description:




when i die



this is my final hour
and your last chance
to make amends
and forget the past
but in the end
when i die
my heart will be still yours
i forgive you
and i will see you soon
we'll be together again





Submitted on 2007-02-18 13:07:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  The only things that I cannot feel is the last lines sense of moribundance.
I can get the whole though. That simple shattering, the pain that only someone who can hurt you, someone you trust, can inflict.

It reminds me of another poem,
the last stanza goes to the effect of,
'when sweet august waves over me
I will be more cold and more heartless
than you are now'

Your piece seems to have the same air to it, if not as cruel intentioned.
be well
| Posted on 2007-03-07 00:00:00 | by Yariel Alvarado | [ Reply to This ]
  I like it, someone asking for peace before they die and then promising to be together. I like a good love story and this makes me think of what the two have been through and how it will end up.
The only thing I'd ask you to change would be in the last line... put a 'be' between "we'll" and "together".
| Posted on 2007-02-18 00:00:00 | by Elissar | [ Reply to This ]
  i did enjoy it to a point because anyone whos ever had heartache before could relate i understand the piece and enjoyed it,just needed a little more subsance,good write overall though....
| Posted on 2007-02-18 00:00:00 | by thehiddenone | [ Reply to This ]
  it was honest. was the last line suppose to be "we'll be together again"? it is a pretty straightforward piece. i think that you should add some punctuation to this piece, because right now it reads as a run-on sentence. add some punctuation to it and i think that it would read smoother. take care.
| Posted on 2007-02-18 00:00:00 | by maquiladora | [ Reply to This ]
  I thought this simple piece to be quite capturing, except the end line. However, I can tell this came straight from your heart.
| Posted on 2007-02-18 00:00:00 | by SavedDragon | [ Reply to This ]


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