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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shattered Sun Effectdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 678
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1167



    Description:
       this is another first draft posting of my work that is
    far from being complete.
    i wrote this in about 45 mins. today and i think that this is one of those poems that i maybe working on weeks or even months to come...
    i would love to get your thoughts on this first draft. i still not enthralled by it, nevertheless, it has potential. the end is a little shaky, what do you think?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShattered Sun Effectdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Shattered sun seeps
    Through clenched fist's
    Raised in pseudo-autonomy

    Superman is found dead
    -A ghastly shadow-
    Hung by his own tongue
    His twisted body
    Swings like a pendulum
    In the hands of a hypnotist

    “God is dead!”
    (thus spake Zarathustra)
    Frantically scribbling black
    Ink upon asylum walls
    In an attempt to darken the sun

    Eternity is a cross
    Between time and space
    Infinity’s universal epoch
    Of Planck time accuracy

    ~Expansion & contraction~

    The madman’s lantern
    Is lit with Promethean fire
    Existential rope smolders
    Over the brazen flame
    Hurling the wizen body
    Of Zarathustra into the abyss

    ~Autonomies in collision~

    Nihilism wallows
    Beneath the steadfast sun
    Ego-centric words swallowed
    In creations proclamation of
    “Christus Ressurexit”

    The clenched fist
    Yields toward the
    Smitten Son
    For mercy…




    Submitted on 2007-02-18 14:11:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      So, here is the edit and result I got from looking over and polishing the poem. Now, these are my standards and in no way are you obliged to take it to heart or at all. It's your creative genius at work. These are just considerations, writer to writer.

    Eternity is a cross
    Between time and space,

    In Infinity’s universal epoch
    Of timely accuracy,
    It nihilistically wallows
    Beneath the steadfast sun

    “Christus Ressurexit”

    Now God is dead,
    A ghastly shadow
    Hung by his own tongue
    And His twisted body
    Swings like a pendulum
    In the hands of a hypnotist.

    The madmen
    Frantically scribble black
    Ink upon asylum walls
    In an attempt to darken the sun.


    -----

    As you can see... I removed tons of your poem. I'm sorry. I honestly tried to stay as close to the original poem as possible but the fact is- the poem is about a hate for God, for this concept of uniform, the sanity in conformity, the very tangibility of the Savior.

    It's a religious hate poem, and there's not much else to it. You tend to use too many words when sometimes, you only need the few to say it. Rants can be strong, definitely (this isn't a rant poem), but even better are the poems that use fewer than 100 words to say exactly what they have to and their strength comes from that. The mere fact that you can make your anger and sadness and vindictiveness show in so little is a dangerous thing.

    Also, I noticed you used some academic references, such as Zarathustra and Planck. Now, if these terms were well known, then you'd have an asset. But mostly, they are not. It's a very difficult thing, these names. You can use them if they are famous or have some form of relevance to the poem, but here... not so much, no.

    I tend to not use ~ in my poems, to separate, enunciate, distinguish, even decorate. It's not proper. Also, tweens use them a lot. So there's no real nice attachment to the ~ so it's best to get rid of the habit.

    Back to the wordiness- it's not always bad. Some things deserve to have so much said about it. But it's always about IT, and it doesn't deviate too much. Here, your emotions are consistent but not much else. You can have a lot of metaphors in a poem but you have to tie them all up. You use a lot of loose ends and rely on the ~ parts to attach them. Be careful.

    I hope I didn't butcher too much. I like the poem.
    | Posted on 2010-07-16 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]
      In a way, to me, this reads like side notes to a broader thought/idea/concept/whathaveyou and in a way I want to say that it needs to be fleshed out, explored further so that one can gain further understanding from reading it.

    In other words, you have all the ingredients, they're ready, now comes the mixing and baking and it seems to me you're still in the mixing, making-things-come-together part, but getting closer to the finished desert.

    [forgive me, I've been baking...]

    One thing I might immediately suggest is that these bits "expansion & contraction" and "autonomies in collision" read like titles to section out the poem as each stanza does read like its own apart of a greater whole. This could be applied further to help contain your various thoughts and examples and give them the necessary pause for consumption.

    There is also very compelling imagery here that I found intriguing to the mind on a more academic level, which isn't found as much in poetry. You are entering into a vast conversation here and I would like to read more of your side and that is where I feel like this can expand -- however, I'm not sure if you want to signify your personal presence (I enjoy the individual perspective so I often encourage this (speak to yourself vs. a hypothetical someone else or balance with both)).

    Also, to speak of religious things is a bit of a tightrope walk. I find that these writes often teeter on the over-zealous (whether for or against) and it was good to find that absent here, more neutral and creatively driven, but still with strong assertion.

    Another idea to throw out there (and not to be so broad -- just not quite sure what you're looking for) is to focus on how these things relate to superman, as he is a good symbol to work with and I found your use of him particularly strong and intriguing. It is unique and I would like to see this idea developed further.

    If there is something in particular that you are wondering about/going for that you feel needs an extra eye, feel free to point it out and I'll offer what I can, but otherwise I'm afraid any advice I have is a bit general.

    Basically, I think that if you keep pursuing the piece it will come into its own.

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2010-06-26 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Rev! It's Nadia (darkrose16)..I got a new name lol...I'm sorry I haven't been around.

    I found this poem particularly interesting...I am unsure of the exact meaning you are trying to portray, but I feel like you are trying to reveal God's Power that may have been tarnished (or underestimated) by people's sayings and conclusions. I know that Zarathustra is considered a prophet to the Parsis (the Zoroastrians), but am unsure of who he is in the Christian faith, but with his repetition, must be a dominant figure that triggered this poem with the poem's style.

    It's shorter than the other poems I read from you, hehe, yet powerful. Wonderful as usual ;)....

    Nadia
    | Posted on 2007-03-17 00:00:00 | by Origami | [ Reply to This ]
      A shattered sun seeps
    Through the clenched fist's
    Pseudo-autonomy

    Superman is found dead
    -A ghastly shadow-
    Hung by his own tongue
    His twisted body
    Swings like a pendulum
    In the hands of a hypnotist

    “God is dead!”
    (thus spake Zarathustra)
    Frantically scribbling black
    Ink upon asylum walls
    In an attempt to darken the sun

    Eternity is a cross
    Between time and space
    Infinity’s universal epoch
    Of Planck time accuracy

    ~Expansion & contraction~

    The madman’s lantern
    Is lit with Promethean fire
    Existential rope smolders
    Over the brazen flame
    Hurling the wizened body
    Of Zarathustra into the abyss

    ~Autonomies in collision~

    Nihilism wallows
    Beneath the steadfast sun
    Ego-centric words swallowed
    In creation's proclamation
    “Christus Ressurexit”

    The clenched fist
    Opened like
    A flower
    Before the Son...



    I'm not certain if this is close to the effect you intended, John Paul, but this slight revision was an attempt to trim some of the 'fat' in this write without destroying its central purpose. You have the soul of something great here and there really is no need to change any of it drastically.

    Take care and keep writing
    Bill
    | Posted on 2007-02-22 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it. I, too, do not fully comprehend everything it entails at the moment. I think it is one of those is left open to personal interpretation, and would be highly debatable between readers. Which of course are always the best poems. :)

    "Frantically scribbling black
    Ink upon asylum walls
    In an attempt to darken the sun"

    This as my favourite part, and maybe my all time favourite few lines of anything I've read on this site. Very wonderful. That is all I can find to say about this piece. As always, you write very well :)

    Cheers and God bless,

    ~Mandi~
    | Posted on 2007-02-19 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]
      You are quite correct - the ending is shaky.

    I think, however, what is leading toward it is nice.

    Superman is such a fitting icon for the descriptions of the sun / son in this piece.

    When you revise this and tap into the potential I'd advise working from the ending back.
    | Posted on 2007-02-19 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]
      Oooo, I like it. I don't get it, but I like it. I got to use my 2 years of latin skills to translate the perfect tense. Sweet. Also, this was very abstract, and sort of used a lot of things that people don't really think about, or like to. I say this is a good write, despite my confusion. Great job.
    Be at peace,
    ~Azura*
    | Posted on 2007-02-18 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
      As you said, this has potential. The topic is very original and the text shows us (or at the least, me) how you can present something unique. To tell you the truth I still do not fully comprehend everything, it is due to my tired eyes and mind. I will read through this again in a few minutes and see if I capture something more.

    If I forget to, please remind me, but small favour, do finish this. It is worth every minute close to the end of the world.

    WriterX
    | Posted on 2007-02-18 00:00:00 | by WriterX | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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