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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Love Storydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Elissar
    ASL Info:    22, Female, Minnesota
    Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 32/28/14
    Words: 439
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 949
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2670



    Description:
       A love story in poem form. Please tell me what you think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Love Storydots
    -------------------------------------------


    There once was a boy,
    His name was Troy.
    He loved a little girl,
    Yes let's call her Merle.

    Now he saw her everyday,
    Starting in the month of May.
    He liked to look at her hair,
    How it shone made him feel with out a care.

    Her eyes were green,
    And her mind keene.
    She was a shepherdess in charge of a flock,
    Just watching her made him loose track of the clock.

    She liked to watch him too,
    The way his eyes watched made her want to coo.
    Many a time she thought of talking to him,
    But the thought made her weak in the limb.

    One day he walked over to her,
    He asked her out and she said 'sure'.
    They had a lovely time,
    And never spent more than a dime.

    They talked of everything under the sun,
    It was just so much fun.
    They met many times more,
    Until when they were apart their hearts were sore.

    He asked the question one night,
    She said yes and hugged him tight.
    They wed at the chapel down the street,
    Where they used to meet.

    Many relatives turned up,
    To watch their kin drink from the sacrimental cup.
    They lived a life full of love,
    Symbols of life and unity like a dove.

    They grew old and had young,
    Their love never faded, but sung.
    Until that fateful night,
    Well all went still and something wasn't right.

    Her eyes were dull,
    Her pulse was null.
    He had a lump in his throat,
    As he threw on his coat.

    He went in search of help,
    It was all he could do to not yelp.
    But the docters said it was too late,
    He said, "NO! This cannot be her fate!"

    He went home and cried,
    As it rained outside.
    His heart was tearing in two,
    As he bid his one true love adieu.

    He could not stand the pain,
    He now looked at life with disdain.
    How could he live without her by his side,
    With no one in which to confide?

    He lay down to sleep that night in a cold bed,
    He didn't wake the next morning for he was dead.
    A broken heart they say,
    Does naught but decay.

    A life without love,
    Is not one to be proud of.
    So he chose to be with his wife,
    Even though he had to give up his life.

    Now they are burried together,
    In every type of weather.
    Whether it be sun or rain,
    They will never be apart again.




    Submitted on 2007-02-18 19:09:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow. its cute. lol. Hmm nice story, I wish everything was that simple but...there are a few flow problems:

    'How it shone made him feel with out a care.'
    -this line is a bit longer then the former ones and its kind of awkward to understand.

    'The way his eyes watched made her want to coo.
    Many a time she thought of talking to him,
    But the thought made her weak in the limb.'
    -the first line of this is also a bit akward and then the last one just doesnt really sound right...weak in the limb...doesnt work.

    there are a few other things that kind of struck me. Try just writing it out and then finding stuff to rhyme because if you try rhyming first then it sounds a bit unrealistic... 'they never spent more then a dime' and stuff like that.

    but its a cute story, not too many people rhyme like that anymore. great job:)

    ~flora~

    | Posted on 2007-02-19 00:00:00 | by blankscreen | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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    January 10 07
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