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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Day Rain Fell From Earth To Heavendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    58/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2779/1297/258
    Words: 82
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 761
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 700



    Description:
       ~dedicated to someone who spoiled a simply perfect depression~


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Day Rain Fell From Earth To Heavendots
    -------------------------------------------


    I could have said
    raindrops exist en masse
    hands clasped in prayer
    to the communal puddle
    however some moist
    spheres fear the drenched
    collective, leaping
    from the hollow of God's
    hand upward
    into unspent clouds

    these inverted lancets
    lie slender as the life
    span of a lost balloon
    death's other kingdom
    beckons as they laugh
    hand in hand
    with whispery deity

    watch your step
    child, we're
    skipping over
    stones

    hush we've
    become all
    we could
    become




    Submitted on 2007-02-20 17:10:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is practically perfect. I wouldn't change a single word, but I want to play w/structure. I'll keep the all-lowercase depressionness, but to me it seems better like


    I could have said
    raindrops exist en masse
    hands clasped in prayer
    to the communal puddle

    however, some moist
    spheres fear the drenched
    collective, leaping
    from the hollow of God's
    hand upward
    into unspent clouds

    these inverted lancets
    lie slender as the life
    span of a lost balloon

    death's other kingdom
    beckons as they laugh
    hand in hand
    with whispery deity


    It's just that the thoughts need separating, in my opinion. i assume you left out most capitalization and punctuation on purpose, so i chose spaces instead of capitalization, but it would work either way if you wanted to keep the piece whole. It works as you have it, but the clarity is unnecessarily muddled on first impression.


    Oh, and this is so full of impossible, beautiful hopes and dreams that it kills me.
    | Posted on 2007-03-22 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      I want to scrawl this onto a picket sign and carry it for a time or maybe just spray paint it on a wall somewhere or carve it into some ancient tree in a park.
    | Posted on 2007-02-27 00:00:00 | by disillusion | [ Reply to This ]
      Haunting... haunting... wow... what resonance that last strophe has. This is a poem I can feel will be resurfacing in my mind for years to come.

    Sorry to be the fourth to leave such a short comment...
    | Posted on 2007-02-23 00:00:00 | by wool raincoat | [ Reply to This ]
      I really enjoyed this. The reason I chose this to read (over how many others) was the title.
    Great title....
    And the poem did not disappoint. Cliche free (yes!) and very imaginative.
    (As unexpected as rain falling from earth to heaven). ...
    No heavy handed religious preaching that I braced myself to have to hear...!
    By the time skipping stones came around the depression was clearly history, I thought.
    Although sweet depression is kind of cheating(?)
    Sweetly sad, and all etc...?
    The real stuff reeks and there is no blessing to it, IMHO.
    Changing the tone...
    "Hush we've /become all/we could/become."
    Nice play on 2 word phrases, ending in 1.
    And setting the tone "hush" So serene...
    We have arrived. At last.
    Great write!
    -Jerome
    | Posted on 2007-02-20 00:00:00 | by Vasudeva | [ Reply to This ]
      I like everything about this. To leave a word would be against my religion. I love it, and have to save this one.

    Bravo!

    Nan
    | Posted on 2007-02-20 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a good write, i wonder if the whole world is down or if i'm drawn to sad writings because i'm sad. joanna
    | Posted on 2007-02-20 00:00:00 | by heartless_ | [ Reply to This ]


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