I didn't like the last line, or the "do you understand - [censored] isn't it" line. The rest I thought was pretty good. Your style defintley is not one I feel I can relate to. You have a very "urban", almost "get out of ma face" kind of style. It is incredibly unique, but so different that not many people will really be able to relate to it. Perhaps you can try, over time, to keep your own unique style, which I find quite charming, and adapt it to a more formidable style, one that is still yours, full of that attitude, but more general, more flow of the mind. I think your writing style has alot of potential, and will be checking back with you to see how it turns out over the months and years.