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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Father's Whoredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Twice
    Elite Ratio:    4 - 71/82/52
    Words: 144
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 803
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 943



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFather's Whoredots
    -------------------------------------------


    FATHER LOOK AT ME
    for I am ready for your face
    so long my gaze strayed
    played away from your swollen existence
    Pennies heads up create luck
    when plucked from faith
    LOOK IN MY EYES
    have the tables turned
    as your skin grows old... dim and dull
    Mine glows a fire existence
    Phoenix from the flames
    ELAIN
    I need to know
    built from your blood
    floor up
    you drained me dry like summer skies
    streaked jet cloud cover
    sister.....brother....Mother
    difference of black sheep peaked by sweet abandon
    MAN TO MAN
    I stand before you
    naked to the truth
    raped by hate
    soul bleeding on the floor like a first time whore
    CAN YOU SEE ME?
    Your skin burns in my light
    eyes blind to my rebirth
    Bow down to me
    I AM YOUR GOD
    ONLY I CAN FORGIVE YOU





    Submitted on 2007-02-20 18:16:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting piece. Raw emotion, graphic and ripe with emulation.

    Great metaphor, “You drained me dry like summer skies”

    Struggled with the line”Pennies heads up create luck when plucked from faith”

    My only other advice is the title. Scores points on shock value, however, it may off-put some potential readers. You could probably rope more people into reading your poem using a less obtrusive title and then enjoy their comments as they grasp the true context of your poem.

    Lastly, you should try being an atheist, makes life a lot less complicated, and fewer let downs. You also get full credit when your actions lead to great accomplishments in life. However, your thoughts are also appealing, being God to God. It has its cult upsides to consider.

    :)
    | Posted on 2007-02-26 00:00:00 | by bmorecmore | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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