Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Depressed Slave and a Temptressdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Draigon
    ASL Info:    25/m/Al
    Elite Ratio:    4.25 - 164/196/91
    Words: 171
    Class/Type: Misc/Depressed
    Total Views: 1148
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1055



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Depressed Slave and a Temptressdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The room was desolate, just a barren waste-land entombed within four walls.
    Sorrow and gloom have mute conversations with one another.
    Depression wraps itself around one's throat as they enter this depressive Hell.
    Pain, sorrow, and lost love is the only things that inhabit this cell.
    Unless you call the shell of a man sitting in a corner, rocking to and fro, living.
    A lone temptress sits upon a rack on one wall.
    The barrel and trigger cast alluring glances at the poor soul in his wretched corner.
    He reaches out for this salvation, but shrinks back in cowardice, afraid of the bitter-sweet relief.
    Every day the temptress tempts him with her assets.
    Each day he gives in just a little more.
    Then one day, depression chokes the final breath from him.
    In one torrent of emotion, a sound splits the air, making depression shrink back into the shadows.
    A sickening thud echoes in the room, then silence....
    The smell of gun powder, lays heavy in the air.




    Submitted on 2007-02-21 12:19:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      well lets see what i can try and critique this poem,

    You are very descritpitve in your work (sorry for my spelling) and that is something that drew me to you right away, i love the words you use to describe a type of silence instead of the normal "dark and dank horride silence" that i tend to see every now and then sadly.

    what i love about this is the feelings it can inspire in a person. (for what i mean is it caused a depressed, yes corny i know but true, feeling for me and brought back memorys of trying the same thing but the bullet jamming.) Right away i thought when you explained about a trophy that a gun was a logical being on the wall. as to being since you gave the gun human instincts (temptress) i thought that i would do so in my comment.

    "Pain, sorrow, and lost love is the only things that inhabit this cell. "

    that line right there though is what i do not really care for since i heard this saying over and over in my year of being here if you play with this a bit you might find something that could tweak someones interest.

    "He reaches out for this salvation, but shrinks back in cowardice, afraid of the bitter-sweet relief."

    i have a question, what is the salvation he is reaching for? i look at your words and that line is what im lost to. wow this is not my day i know this isnt the best critique but yea im trying lol i think ill stop before i begin to rant. what i wish to say in sumed up words, wonderful job dark and dreary yes but it is wonderful all the same. Hope to read more of your work later on

    all the love,
    nikki



    | Posted on 2007-04-16 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't know what to say. It's a really good suicide poem. What I really like is your description of the setting. I can visualize everything really good and I love how you personifications. Nicely done!

    -angel-
    | Posted on 2007-03-08 00:00:00 | by just an angel | [ Reply to This ]
      It really captured my attention. The reference to Hell was ok, except there'd be fire in Hell, lots and lots of fire, and there wasn't any here. But it was really well written: left the reader leaning towards the computer in suspence of what was going to happen.

    it also really left me feeling sorry for the prisoner, because there is a very easy way to be set free (not in refernce to the gun) and he doesn't even know it.

    But overall, very powerful.

    ~orange
    | Posted on 2007-02-22 00:00:00 | by orange | [ Reply to This ]
      Stunning write.
    Good choice to use freeform. My new years resolution was to give more constructive critisism on these things, but there is really nothing to say. It was mysterious and made me want to skip to the end to see what happened to the poor shrivelling coward. Your use of personification too...marvelous...so few can pull that off and yet here you are using it in bundles and not messing up half way through like many.
    My favourite part is

    A lone temptress sits upon a rack on one wall.

    I was fooled into thinking it was a girl for a second there and yet no very next line an explanation

    The barrel and trigger cast alluring glances at the poor soul in his wretched corner.

    Tis cool! keep it up man!
    -AC
    | Posted on 2007-02-22 00:00:00 | by StarAcabar | [ Reply to This ]
      Ooooo...very good. I was hoping you'd keep the realization of the "temptress" as actually being a gun a secret and not divulged it at the end, but the way you built up to it was done very, very well.

    Good job!
    | Posted on 2007-02-21 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      Yay.
    You wrote the entire thing using mostly personification. According to literatary devices, this makes you a genious with words. Howevr I felt like the poem was lacking.
    Because although we know there is a depression and sadness...
    Do we know why. D:?
    And if he's a slave... what does he do and why does it sadden him? Is he hopeless?
    | Posted on 2007-02-21 00:00:00 | by Mieko | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, this is extremely eloquent for a suicide themed piece, and i usually dont care for them due to personal reasons, but this is eloquently written and handled, not so much an "i hate the world, i hate myself" as an "this is how this man lived, and how he died" why is it that tradgedy can be so exquisitly beautiful that it shines like diamonds in the firelight?

    there is not a defined flow or rhythm, but i dont think this needs it, and thats great that you can write a piece like this, on this subject and it be above average on the radar...

    spiffy
    xoxo
    | Posted on 2007-02-21 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    135584

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry