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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: sestina.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: narcolepsy
    ASL Info:    19/F/Pa
    Elite Ratio:    3.97 - 129/135/60
    Words: 351
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1208
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2273



    Description:
       poem for creative writing. the style is called sestina, hence the title. the last word of every line in each sestet (a stanza made up of 6 lines) are repeated at the end of each line of the second stanza and so forth in different orders. then in the last stanza, a tercet (i'm sure you can guess how many lines that is), the six words are repeated one in the middle of each line and one at the end of each line. the words i chose to repeat were breathe, girl, tries, bleed, listen and static. can you see the pattern?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotssestina.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    She's tearing out of her skin as she tries
    to stay alive. They're going to fix this girl
    if it's the last thing they do. The static
    on her radio is making her ears bleed
    black ink words that no one will listen
    to. They hold her in so she can't breathe.

    Cigarette produces smoke, she'll breathe
    it in. She doesn't get it, why everyone tries
    to change her. And they won't listen
    when she says, "You don't hear me." The girl
    is broken up, the pieces pulsate and bleed
    to blaring deathmetal, but they only hear static.

    Staring blankly, her eyes the color of snowy static
    like on your television. Slowly she'll breathe
    back the pain and taste her mouth bleed
    as she gnaws thru her lip. When she tries
    to move, she realizes she's paralyzed, the girl
    wishes she could close her ears, not listen.

    Music plays, touching her soul; she'll just listen
    as her breathing slows--relaxation. All static
    dies down. This broken, bruised and tired girl
    seeks relief in a young man who lets her breathe
    in a new way, into him. She sinks with him, he tries
    to hold her and she lets her emotions bleed.

    When he leaves, sketches of demons that bleed
    thru her notebook come to life, and she listens
    as they buzz with anger at her. She tries
    to fight but she's consumed by their static
    voices. She chokes on their putrid breath. "Breathe,"
    they laugh at her, "breathe!" She's only a girl.

    Does the young man know what kind of girl
    he's found himself? She tells him with a bleed-
    ing heart. He takes her hand and tells her to breathe
    in, breathe out. Worry wrinkles his brow as he tries
    to understand what she's saying not as static,
    and not as ramblings of a crazy girl. He just listens.

    And the girl with breathe, and she will breathe as a girl
    who just tries no matter how life cuts her and makes her bleed,
    even if they never listen. Change the channel, she's all static.




    Submitted on 2007-02-22 13:42:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Consider revising: what is sestina? is that your name? is it anyone's name? not saying you should change it. i just don't know what it is. This isn't really criticism - you seem to be narrowing your audience lately. Now seriously, I think it is a good thing but others may not. You seem to be targeting teenage girls (assumably in a mental institution) with issues and how they go about dealing with problems. And I've also noticed something else - many of your poems include cigarettes. It is a good element in some poem, but you use them quite often - if you ever try to publish several poems, do be careful of that.

    I suppose the only tangible criticisms of the poem I have are: i'd like to know exactly what has put this girl in such a state and i'd also like to describe the young man (in terms of his looks and his personality - but do be honest! if he is a bad boy with tatoos let me know. if he is a future methodist minister, let me know) that is going to resuce her from it. these two elements would give us a plethora of info regarding the character thinking.

    Praises: Once again, you hit your target fairly well. There is no ambiguity whatsoever in this piece. You give us a character and her angst and her longings to be free of whatever it is that is causing these problems. the deathmetal reference was good and specific.

    Overall: because of the criticisms I mentioned before. This is also a subject that has been done before. And it is okay to write about something that has been done before, but it is better to try in a different way. Your language is direct and intense - fitting for this piece and you are consistent and passionate throughout - these are your strengths as a writer. You are consistent.

    Have a good weekend
    tj
    | Posted on 2007-02-23 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]
      definitly out of the ordinary, i believe thats why it draws in. you paint a picture though it may not be a pretty one but its definitly a clear one. the first half of this is my favortie. i got alittle lost near the end but all in all i really did enjoy it. keep it up!
    | Posted on 2007-02-22 00:00:00 | by lark | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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