[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: 3 White dots and a Black Truthdots

    Author: Dark Divinity
    ASL Info:    20 Male Michigan
    Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 23/20/8
    Words: 252
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Serious
    Total Views: 1154
    Average Vote:    3.5000
    Bytes: 1592

       I wrote this when I was in a rapping mood lmao. I cant rap worth sh!t, but I thought I'd try ^_^

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots3 White dots and a Black Truthdots

    Up down left and right,
    Hut two three four.
    Like Dominos you fight,
    Only to hit the floor.

    To be rolliní head strong,
    Blowing everything up in my way.
    You may think Im wrong,
    But this may be your last day.

    You picked up a gun and stood for war,
    Flying bullets stray every which way.
    You canít hide behind a door,
    Damn this aint your day.

    Because up down left right,
    Hut two three four.
    Like dominos you fight,
    Only to hit the floor.

    You left your mouth run,
    Youíre ready to die.
    You pick up a gun,
    But inside you cry.

    Youíre thrown out into the field,
    With camo on your back.
    You never asked to wield a gun,
    But you Still ended up in Iraq.

    Only to know up down left right,
    Hut two three four.
    Like dominos you fight,
    Only to hit the floor.

    You only got one life to keep,
    As bullets are combing your hair.
    So you dare take the leap,
    Into the barrel you stare.

    So your mom receives a US note,
    As she reads, she canít Bare it all.
    But destiny has been wrote,
    And you hit the wall.

    Falling up down left right,
    Hut two three four.
    Like Dominos you fight,
    Only to hit the floor.

    Up down left and right,
    Hut two three four.
    Like dominos you fight,
    Only to hit the floor.

    Only to hit the floor.

    Submitted on 2007-02-22 16:20:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      it's got heart... (thanks gawd your not a rapper) lol nice

    | Posted on 2007-03-18 00:00:00 | by in shadow | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a kick ass write.
    LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!

    | Posted on 2007-03-02 00:00:00 | by Chafinky | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece had potential; however, you need to mull it over and edit it and re-edit it until you can't edit no more.

    I saw what you were going for and you wanted to include the musical repetition of a chorus verse; however, two things did you in (beside the fact that you meant 'bear' not 'bare').

    You focused so much on your rhyme scheme (lines 1-3, 2-4) with the last word in the opposing lines that you forgot about flow.

    With poetry... well rhyming poetry in particular... you have to have a cadence. Not just rhyme this with this (what rhymes with orange?) but with overall flow... Like with your 'chorus' and the 'hut, two, three, four' a poem needs a cadence like a '1, 2, 3, 4' or '1,3,5,9'... etc etc. I would go back and re-evaluate the flow.

    Additionally, your message... I understood it was anti-war and if that is how you feel, then that's great; however, you somewhat contradicted yourself (again, I think you were over-focusing on rhyme), in particular I am thinking of the third stanza versus the sixth stanza. You made the choice appear as very deliberate in the third (Yay, let's join the military and get guns), which was fitting... it was displayed as an action that one would take in a glorified imagine of masculinity.... very good there... but, conversely, in the sixth stanza, you made it appear as if the 'character' had no choice and the weapons and the war were hoisted upon him. While perhaps one could argue the war was... one could argue it wasn't and that ultimately the choice was made to follow that path. The true problem here is that you contradicted the active 'choice'.

    Summarized thought? Your piece has potential. Re-approach it (and perhaps your writing in general) with the idea of focusing on the point and flow. Lack of Rhyme is forgivable (after all, syllable structure works as well) but lack of flow.... like running waters in streams, rivers and faucets, every writing needs a flow.

    Keep writing, keep trying. If you're serious about this, you can only improve by writing whenever the mood strikes and writing often and reflecting on what you wrote. Don't be afraid to edit your work, it won't take away from the spirit (I used to think that). Introspection and reflection on your writing is a good thing.

    If you want more feedback, let me know. Best of the Best to you.

    | Posted on 2007-02-26 00:00:00 | by homeless | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]