Your poem has wonderful rhythm, itís really easy to read Ė and itís fun to say aloud. You use interesting words, and you donít repeat them Ė and itís not boring no matter how many times I have read it. You bring up scenes or pictures with your word choices. It is a bit like a monologue, and itís interesting, intriguing. The patterns change, and I hear amateurs complain about writers who do this on online comments Ė but I think itís actually a very provoking technique. In this specific piece, when you do it, it speeds everything up so it becomes like the narrator is speaking faster and faster; they are either becoming simply less languid or they are becoming more frantic Ė what they have to say is gaining in importance, and the more hurried they become the more broken is their speech, the more poetic, the more pretty and superfluous the word choice. I liked it all very much.
My favorite lines are:
on your lips