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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I was not your victordots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: wanderingpoet16
    Elite Ratio:    5.68 - 157/177/55
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 739
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 689



    Description:
       This could mean a million different things to a million different people.

    It's about an old friend of mine.

    She takes on the characteristics of others almost immediately.

    She's very easily influenced.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI was not your victordots
    -------------------------------------------


    I see you on the sidewalk
    combing through cobwebs
    holding your chest and lamenting
    you feel they don't see you

    but I do
    and I wonder where I would be
    and whether the weather in my atmosphere would morph and shift
    If I walked out to greet you

    I am the wild abandon
    in your gaze
    I am the fresh renewal
    in the rain

    In the quiet of the room
    I am impending doom
    feeding on your brain
    to taste the best of you

    They see a mannequin
    painted over
    clothed again
    watermarks
    skid marks
    on your lips





    Submitted on 2007-02-22 23:28:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Your poem has wonderful rhythm, itís really easy to read Ė and itís fun to say aloud. You use interesting words, and you donít repeat them Ė and itís not boring no matter how many times I have read it. You bring up scenes or pictures with your word choices. It is a bit like a monologue, and itís interesting, intriguing. The patterns change, and I hear amateurs complain about writers who do this on online comments Ė but I think itís actually a very provoking technique. In this specific piece, when you do it, it speeds everything up so it becomes like the narrator is speaking faster and faster; they are either becoming simply less languid or they are becoming more frantic Ė what they have to say is gaining in importance, and the more hurried they become the more broken is their speech, the more poetic, the more pretty and superfluous the word choice. I liked it all very much.
    My favorite lines are:

    painted over
    clothed again
    watermarks
    skid marks
    on your lips

    Youíre talented or youíre practiced. Bravo.

    - mandolin
    | Posted on 2007-02-24 00:00:00 | by Mandolin | [ Reply to This ]


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    12. Does it feel original?



    135790

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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    January 10 07
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