Description: This is also not one of my personally deeper poems but that wasn't my intention for this piece. It's also power metal inspired, but the words are completely my own.
I'd like some feed back on this piece. I don't see it as one of my best, but i'd like any pointers on how I may help me touch this up a bit. and any commentary is welcome.
The Winds of Revolution -------------------------------------------
Under all those years of oppression
You attempted to crush our will
But we have survived despite all your aggression
And now our destiny we will fulfill
In secrecy our numbers and strength has been growing
Awaiting the time for us to rise up and take what is our right
The time has come; the winds of revolution are blowing
Our hearts burning with fury, our swords sharp for the fight
With our banners held high with pride
We gain momentum as we march unwaveringly ahead
And know that the fury of this storm will not subside
The steel of our swords wet and red
Those imprisoned and chained have been freed
Their once withered and gaunt bodies growing strong
Taking back their wealth you stole in your greed
Heeding the call to arms to right your wrong
Behind our proud soldiers the masses gather
Like a rising flood we are coming for you
By the lust for freedom we stand together
Bound by what we know in hearts to be true
The men you’ve used to enforce your rule
Cannot hold their ground or tighten your grip
Paying in blood for the times they were cruel
No longer shall lies pour from their poisoned lips
Their screams echo in the waning night
As they fall in battle against our blades
All your guards will be crushed under our might
Dying with your crumbling fortress and splintered palisades
Your day of demise and judgment is near
From your doomed fate there is no escape
Now it will be you who’ll tremble in fear
For the rage of the abused has taken shape
Hmmm. When I read it some how I could hear drums beating and see something not too far from one of the scenes in any war movie or something like lord of the rings when they are all sharpening thier swords and getting thier armor ready.
As the former commenter has stated it is a bit wordy, also a bit repetitive at certain points. I think if you wanted to tidy it up a bit you could work on it but then again as it is, it definatly isnt that bad.
Maybe if you tried to describe deeper what the people were feeling, with such things as the fiery depths or thier souls, or whatever you see fit then it would make the piece have more depth and color to it. But once again, its good the way it is and that was just an idea.
This is a very good story with a cause, purpose and a moral. It's not too long for a work such as this, but it's a little wordy on a line by line basis in some places which makes it a little hard to keep rhythm and some of the rhymes are not dead on. You did well to even attempt rhyme with such long lines.
Submission Name: The Winds of Revolution
