Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Last Dancedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: SammySueYou
    ASL Info:    23/f/nm
    Elite Ratio:    3.05 - 90/78/30
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Betrayal
    Total Views: 797
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1052



    Description:
       Newest Poem About the Cheating Heart...Enjoy


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Last Dancedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The wind caused me to squirm and and shiver,
    much like a person who drowned in the river.
    Maggots swimming in my stomach as I devour a heart,
    ripping the tendons and flesh right apart.
    Smoking into clouds of illusion,
    budding into a helpless intrusion.
    My limbs sink into the crusty folds of a sheet ,
    disapearing from my reality like seasons in fleet.
    My mind has formed a coccoon of lies,
    when time runs out a part of me dies.
    I melt into acid and eat away your words,
    I take your sanity and feed it to the birds.
    Leave me alone! I will only hurt you more,
    the things I have done you can never ignore.
    SCREAMING! SHOUTING!
    Suddenly doubting!
    Why must I be the one to be wrong?
    your lasting neglect is stuck like a song.
    Entrapped like a fetus with nothing but walls,
    deaf to the pleading of unwanted calls.
    I don't love you, there isnt a chance,
    I'll do you one better and save the last dance.




    Submitted on 2007-02-23 01:10:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Like your style, but would suggest only one thing. Try to break up the rhyming with either a repeating word/phrase (Every 4/5 lines), or with a few lines that don't rhyme.
    Your description and language are quality, just work on the technical side.
    | Posted on 2007-02-23 00:00:00 | by Jbills | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    135796

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry