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    dots Submission Name: Stilldots

    Author: frozenconscienc
    ASL Info:    17/f/md
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 91/55/13
    Words: 58
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 781
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 429

       2 minutes tops for this one.

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    Feel the sky tumble down
    Sounds resonating around me
    Flowing through the air
    My mind is concrete
    Holding still

    Waves passing by me
    Whispers in my ear
    Flowing through the air
    My grip is concrete
    Holding still

    The floor sinks beneath me
    Murmurs surround me
    Flowing through the air
    My center is concrete
    Holding still

    Submitted on 2007-02-23 19:56:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I agree this piece came across as simple, but I'm going to have to disagree with Snakebite7, in this case, it wasn't befitting. It feels like no point was really made in the piece, just descriptive words which overshadowed any emotion.
    | Posted on 2007-02-24 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]
      A pretty simple piece, but there is absoultly nothing wrong with that fact. Just means it's easier to read and gets the point across a little quicker.
    I suppose the only real issue I do have is the fact that the first two stanzas have 5 lines, whereinas the last only has four. It was probably your intention to do this, but it makes the reading and stuff a tad bit akward.

    Besides this, a simple, yet thoughtful piece. Inner strength and all that, if I'm lookin at this correctly.
    Good work.
    | Posted on 2007-02-23 00:00:00 | by SnakeBite7 | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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