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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Honeybeedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 30
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 863
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 197



    Description:
       


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    dotsHoneybeedots
    -------------------------------------------


    You felt my fury once
    that's all I have.
    I'm like a honeybee
    that managed to live after stinging
    and wishing that I'd died
    for the guilt is worse.




    Submitted on 2004-06-08 04:02:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Great idea - concerning honeybee. Bringing that sugar... that honey and stinging. Yes, a bee usually dies after such act, but it does it only in defence. You are very observant. It did hurt - I'm always amazed by the way you express such things. In Polish: "Jestem pod wra&#380;eniem sposobu Twojej ekspresji!".
    The poem did the point in just few words - I pay homage to Amy! [correct? wanted to find counterpart of Polish: "chyl&#281; czo&#322;a"]
    | Posted on 2004-06-11 00:00:00 | by Nightraven | [ Reply to This ]
      not quite wishing i had died but i did feel rather exceedingly miserable on a couple of occasions when fury unexpectedly escaped its quarters...
    nice one.
    | Posted on 2004-06-10 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes I like the word honeybee.
    It sounds soft and fluffy on 4 too-small wings.
    They weren't put on earth to feel guilt were they?
    I like that anomalous image.
    K
    | Posted on 2004-06-08 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      Another excellent simile. I have read this a few times and wonder, had the last line always been there, or did you add it as an afterthought? The reason that I ask is that after reading the first five lines I got the impression of that guilt, without being told. Anyway, good one as always,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-06-08 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      Seems like the honey bee metaphor might be better reserved for a time when you or whoever stung and did die in some way. What the hell do I know, though, right? The last line is essential to your feelings, but it reads flat. I'd suggest changing it somehow, or dropping it altogether. I rather like the poem without the last line.
    | Posted on 2004-06-08 00:00:00 | by Black Rock Tractor | [ Reply to This ]
      the comparison between a bee sting and anger is great. your poem is very well written but I think you could drop the last line. it isn't necessary, the reader is told that indirectly through the poem before. but that's up to you. it isn't needed but it isn't bad either. I enjoyed your poem.
    | Posted on 2004-06-08 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      this is awesome. short, to the point and you let the words stand on their own rather than explaining them. that's often how you know you have a great piece... when you can skip verbosity and state what you want by not stating it.

    if that made any sense. also, i think bumblebeesare sweet, so you get bonus points there.
    | Posted on 2004-06-08 00:00:00 | by freeradical | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a great image... although i think perhaps it should be a wasp or a bumblebee maybe. i don't know. just a suggestion. the "honeybee" makes it sound too sweet and contradicts the fury part. funny, when i first read it, i read it as "you felt my furry once." lol! i like the last line, because it shows some compassion. that's where the "cuddledumplin" part lies, eh? me likey!
    | Posted on 2004-06-08 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Amy,
    A nice I'm sorry poem... I tend to be more guarded now but have definitely left marks with words and later been mad at my hornet sting self for being so vile...
    jan
    | Posted on 2004-06-08 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]


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