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    dots Submission Name: Scene from Lost Girldots

    Author: Briannan
    ASL Info:    20/F/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.59 - 123/127/49
    Words: 1073
    Class/Type: Story/Serious
    Total Views: 990
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 6088

       this is a scene from something I'm writing. I'm not sure how it is turning out. I think it is okay. give me some feed back.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsScene from Lost Girldots

    "Don't say what you don't mean," Kate sighed swiping her long dark hair out of her pale face. Her frustration and sadness were evident in her seemingly meaningless movements, "Honestly, I don't want to hear what you think that I do. I just want you to be honest with me. You will leave. You don't have to remember me. I'm okay with that. I know you don't care as much as you claim. You just think I am cute. It is as simple as anything can possibly be. So by the by, you will say what you think that I want to hear, but I don't want to hear what you think I do. So stop, just don't say anything."

    Kate's hand covered Jaden's mouth, "You will ruin it. It is perfect how it is. Don't ruin it with false promises and things you don't really want to say. Things that you don't mean."

    Jaden brow furrowed in vexation as he stared up at Kate from his place nestled in the pillows, her face open and earnest as she looked down at him slightly frightened. Kate sat at the edge of the bed, one arm draped over Jaden's stomach, the other holding her index finger to his lips. He took her hand and set it next to his head so that he could continue. He knew what he said wouldn't change what she thought, or what she knew he would say. Kate knew it would only hurt her. She couldn't stand that kind of pain from Jaden.

    Jaden didn't know anyone who didn't want to hear nice things even if they weren't true. "I don't know what you mean," he whispered to her sweetly. His voice was sticky sweet with slight denial and slight annoyance. He braced himself on one arm pushing up closer to her face.

    Kate sighed underlining her feeling of frustration and pain, "Yes you do. Now stop. Don't ruin it. Just let it go. I don't want to hear your pretty words that will pull me in. I'm used to being used. Just leave it that way. Leave it so that I don't mean anything to you. I don't like having people love me. Love means pain. Love means emotional suicide. Love means nothing to most and everything to the rest. Don't say it. You will ruin it. Don't say I'm beautiful because I'm not. Just leave your thoughts at the door." She took a breath letting her mind and gaze wander away from Jaden's exhausted face.

    Kates blue eyes sparkled sadly from her sorrow filled face. They glistened slightly with tears that would never fall, "Don't say anything you think I want to hear. Be honest. Don't play with me. Just say that you enjoy this."

    She closed the final gap between them with a kiss. She did this partially because she enjoyed it and partially to make sure that the things that she didn't want to hear didn't come out of his mouth. She knew she would believe them. She did every time. I love you. I want you. I need you. You are perfect. You are beautiful. All that meant was that she was perfect to use. You are wonderful to make believe with. You are nothing to me but, I can make you believe you are everything. She couldn't stand the thought of him thinking of her like that, a beautiful, tragic thing that he could take advantage of. She smiled slightly and ran a hand over his close shaved hair.

    Jaden pushed her away baffled by this act. He sat fully erect and distanced himself from her. "What are you doing?'

    "I thought I was kissing you," she giggled with a tinge of nervousness that she hadn't had in this situation. She began leaning in again.

    "No," he shook his head sadly pulling away from her. He moved down the bed from Kate, knowing that she was toying with him to hide her emotions, "You know what I mean, why are you doing this if you don't think that I care about you?"

    "You enjoy this. I enjoy this. Let's not complicate it," Kate sighed running a hand through her hair that had come out of her ponytail, "I've been in way to many very complicated relationships. Leave this how it is....fun." Her words wavered off at the end, leaving it open to interpretation. She held her hand open toward him palm up like a peace offering.

    Jaden stood up running his hand through his traditional army haircut. It was shorter on the side and longer on the top. He looked on edge, his body stiff and discomforting, "I think it is time to leave now."

    "If that is how you want it. Then it is fine. I just don't want more lies. More false pretenses. More pretend. I think I am even done pretending. So I will give you what you want. I will leave but, I'm walking. Call me if you change your mind. You know the number," Kate said over her shoulder leaning over and picking up her sweater from the edge of the bed.

    Kate stood to leave picking up her coat and shoes off the floor next to the bed. She stepped out of the room through the living room and out the front door. She began walking down the street humming "Into the Ocean" to herself. Her eyes were full of tears that she would never have leave her and she had a smile on her face. She knew he wouldn't come after her, and she was fine with that. Jaden wasn't meant to. He was going to leave anyway. She was temporary, just a game for now. Her bare feet made a slapping noise on the gravel. Her body was held with pride and decisive action that she had never had previously.

    Jaden stood dumb-founded at Kate's departure. How did it turn out like this? He heard her bare feet on the gravel. He winced slightly at the thought of the broken glass on the way home. He knew she was bare foot, carrying her flip flops in her hand. She always seemed to be doing that. He felt like running after her, but didn't. He sat down on the bed and put his face in his hands.

    Submitted on 2007-02-25 00:58:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Ok, the first paragraph has to have some naraton to break up the rant. I know that people really do fly off like that, but, they do it with more than one body movement at the beginning of it all, you've still only really animated words, now animate her body. Or, you could break at "Kate's hand..." as a new paragraph to give your reader a much needed breath. (Either will suffice, I beliee)

    "Kates blue eyes sparkled sadly from her sorrowfilled face. They glistened slightly with tears that would never fall," i suggest a paragraph break here, and some more animation to her voice beginning the paragraph that it was orriginally part of.

    Another paragraph break at "I love you." and add I suggest also adding the exact feeling, as concisely as you can that she feels thinking these words. i think you might want to do the same starting with "you are wonder to make believe with." and also, in the same paragraph(towards the end of that daunting behemoth) where it says She couldn't stand the thought, does that mean that she is reviled by the thought, woe-stricken, infuriated, fearful, what?it's pretty weak as is.

    at the end of the paragraph now refered to as "Daunting Behemoth" you say that Jaden's hair is close shaven, and later you simply say short, is it shaven like Aaron Gambetta's, or just close cropped, but still enough to be considered hair, or is it enough to get a handful? Sort of a conflicting ,albeit, miniscule.

    "Her eyes were full of tears that she would never have leave her and she had a smile on her face" here, in the middle of paragraph 11, I suggest replacing and with though, playing it in my head that way seemed to change the connotation closer to what I think you were going for.
    " She continued humming and walking." This seems to be useless and extraneous to me. I suggest removing it.
    "Her body was held with pride and descisive action that she had never had previously." I absolutely love this line. Beautifully added.

    Last Paragraph, sorry, but remember what I said about words sounding what they are, flabbergasted is not one of those words. However, it is one of the words that can get a small chuckle out of me when I read a serious piece like this. I suggest dumbstricken,or mortified(even though the later doesn't have the denotation, it has the right conotation.)
    Last thing, and I can't stress this enough. It brings great sorrow to my heart to see that you changed the ending(slight exageration) but I think that, at least for the partial piece, end with "and put his face into his hands." It doesn't matter if he cries or not, it's the resignation of defeat in putting his face in his hands that was the perfect ending. again, the connotation, not the denotation. Don't know if that makes sense or not.

    By the by, I think this is evolving rather nicely, keep it up, and when/if you put a prelude or encore to this segment, I'd really like to check it out.
    | Posted on 2007-04-16 00:00:00 | by Rastine Aristat | [ Reply to This ]
    This isn't the best you've ever written, though I know that you understand that feeling all too well. That being said, try to imagine yourself when you get to feeling that way, and animate your characters. So far you've given us a look at their faces, thoughts and words, so what do their bodies say. Personally, the last line is the best one in the whole story. Though, in hindsight, I don't know that it would be so effective if it weren't the only line of note showing movement of the body. One minor detail that bothered me is that you used confused so many times. Ok, so i counted and it's only twice, but still, I think it's a bit pedestrian, and doesn't sound the feeling of confusion well enough. I don't know, but I don't like the word because it doesn't sound confused, it's why I like "rancor" for anger, confused works for labyrinths and whatnot, but not for instant shock, thinking about it, why say he looked confused? i think it would be great if you described what he looks like confused. Anyhow, i do like the characters, they clash well together, but i would like to see this evolve a bit, it deserves more time, I think. You do it justice well.
    | Posted on 2007-04-10 00:00:00 | by Rastine Aristat | [ Reply to This ]
      1st paragraph: After "Don't say what you don't mean," I would add a line of description. How did your character say that line to him? This would make the line "Don't say..." more profound by breaking the pace up.
    Also, don't fall into the "that" trap. I had a huge problem with this up until a couple years ago. Go look at the first paragraph and take out "that" in sentences 7 and 8. See a smoother flow? Now take a few thats out throughout the sample, and see if the flow can free up again.

    Paragraph 4: Sentence that begins with "partially" is a run on. I'd say shorten up the end. When you begin the stream of inner-thought sentences, starting with "I love you," and ending with the second to last sentence, I'd put those in italics (not a huge deal, as this is a beginning draft).

    Third to last paragraph: I challenge you to take one or two of the "I"s out of this paragraph. Sorry i'm quite anal about overusing words."

    Second to last paragraph: 1st sentence is a run on. Maybe break it up into 2?

    I love the strength of the female character. She's not infallible, but she is one cold [censored]. Beautiful.

    Last bit of advice, but maybe it wasn't too important here; try to let the actions of your characters describe how they feel and feel. It's not that big of deal now, but something to keep in mind. Other than that, I'd like to see what scene Kate wanders into next.
    | Posted on 2007-02-26 00:00:00 | by Jbills | [ Reply to This ]

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