This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17. It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different. All content will be deleted. Backup anything important. --- Staff
Cold, famished and jaded we wait
They say ‘it’s almost done’
Each man believing it is fate
To set sail in the sun
Anticipation gives us hope
Creating a new name
No longer do we have to cope
‘To Freedom’ we exclaim
What concealed mysteries behold
Captain shouts all aboard
Gathering what we hadn’t sold
Enter thanking the lord
Ship's set to sea; waves crash and crest
Longing for peaceful sea
But we pray; hoping for the best
We behold gods fury
Some survive and some lay to rest
The ocean floor awaits
Beckoning us all as it’s guest
Storm issues the checkmate
Captain turns starboard and evades
Yawing; lost in the sea
The endless ocean slowly fades
Land; rejoice in glory
A journey survived; start anew
My children will be free
Every one of their children too;
For this is my country
| I really like your rhyme scheme. It really made the poem flow together.|
"The ocean floor awaits
Beckoning us all as it’s guest"
That's by far my favorite line from Voyage. I thought that was really clever.
I like the overall tone of the poem, too. It's very desperate sounding, but at the end, you get a sense that it's worth it; for a really noble cause-- new country.
Great stuff, sir.
|| Posted on 2007-02-26 00:00:00 | by Nihilum | [ Reply to This ] || This is quite good.You attempt some decent rhymes and use some nice vocab,though at times it feels slightly random and disjointed.|
A few of the rhymes are a bit too tenuous I feel,like <sea/glory> and <free/country>.It seems hard to fit them into the flow of the piece,if you know what I mean.Overall though,I think it reads pretty well and I like the metre you use.
|| Posted on 2007-02-25 00:00:00 | by Asakura Cowboy | [ Reply to This ] |