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Author: JAcksonJr
ASL Info:    20/Male/NY
Elite Ratio:    2.65 - 56 /116 /57
Words: 317
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 889
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1209


Testing new schemes
sllyables: 8/6/8/6
rhyme: a/b/a/b


Cold, famished and jaded we wait
They say ‘it’s almost done’
Each man believing it is fate
To set sail in the sun

Anticipation gives us hope
Creating a new name
No longer do we have to cope
‘To Freedom’ we exclaim

What concealed mysteries behold
Captain shouts all aboard
Gathering what we hadn’t sold
Enter thanking the lord

Ship's set to sea; waves crash and crest
Longing for peaceful sea
But we pray; hoping for the best
We behold gods fury

Some survive and some lay to rest
The ocean floor awaits
Beckoning us all as it’s guest
Storm issues the checkmate

Captain turns starboard and evades
Yawing; lost in the sea
The endless ocean slowly fades
Land; rejoice in glory

A journey survived; start anew
My children will be free
Every one of their children too;
For this is my country

Submitted on 2007-02-25 14:20:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I really like your rhyme scheme. It really made the poem flow together.
"The ocean floor awaits
Beckoning us all as it’s guest"

That's by far my favorite line from Voyage. I thought that was really clever.
I like the overall tone of the poem, too. It's very desperate sounding, but at the end, you get a sense that it's worth it; for a really noble cause-- new country.
Great stuff, sir.
| Posted on 2007-02-26 00:00:00 | by Nihilum | [ Reply to This ]
  This is quite good.You attempt some decent rhymes and use some nice vocab,though at times it feels slightly random and disjointed.
A few of the rhymes are a bit too tenuous I feel,like <sea/glory> and <free/country>.It seems hard to fit them into the flow of the piece,if you know what I mean.Overall though,I think it reads pretty well and I like the metre you use.
| Posted on 2007-02-25 00:00:00 | by Asakura Cowboy | [ Reply to This ]

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