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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the yelling the fighting (edited)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: black rose13
    ASL Info:    16/f/where do I live?
    Elite Ratio:    1.35 - 137/97/39
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Venting
    Total Views: 720
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 670



    Description:
       just something that's been on my mind for a pretty long time.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe yelling the fighting (edited)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The yelling, the fighting, the i can't take this anymore,
    really starts to take its toll when it's done everyday.

    What happened to you.
    The sweet innocent person i used to love and come to know.

    You try to mend the hearts that you break, but the measures that you take,
    just make you even more frustrated with the situation.

    What happened to you.
    The sweet innocent person i used to love and come to know.

    I yet again pick up this blood stained razor,
    to take this pain away.
    I did love you.

    You know this isn't how I wanted it.




    Submitted on 2007-02-25 19:55:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is kinda different than other stuff I've read by you, but I still liked it. It was stark and bleak, which was befitting, it seemed very emotion filled, but it feels like it needs another note to end on, not quite so literal perhaps, and i also mean that in not so literal a sence, I feel even if left as is, it needs one more line to end on.
    This line doesn't make any sense, but is simply an example:

    I yet again pick up this blood stained razor,
    to take this pain away.
    I did love you.

    the sun shines like a flare in the road


    obviously this line doesn't make any sense, but that kind of addition in length seems to even it out better
    | Posted on 2007-02-28 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]
      hey dahling. i like this piece. CE is kinda right in that the razor blade remark takes away from this piece. in your righting (thou i understand that the truth and the pain is there) cutting is become cliché inside your own work.

    i like the sweet innocent remark a ton.

    hugs deary

    Shadow
    | Posted on 2007-02-28 00:00:00 | by in shadow | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not a fan of cutting, so points off for that--but the twist at the end makes up for it. Beautiful, Black Rose. Just try not to hurt yourself anymore--violence just adds to the pain. You can never take it away like that.
    Put everything you are into something: writing, music, humanity. Things get better--it just takes time, you know?

    --crimson echo

    p.s. Sorry if I seem to be preaching, but you know you're smarter than that.
    | Posted on 2007-02-26 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it because its got like a differnt kind of flow to it. It came together nicely.
    | Posted on 2007-02-25 00:00:00 | by onexlifex1chanc | [ Reply to This ]


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