Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Gilded Goddessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: homeless
    ASL Info:    30
    Elite Ratio:    7.61 - 29/18/23
    Words: 55
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 755
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 344



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGilded Goddessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your silver tongue seeks
    To find itself upon the golden apple
    Aspire to a new Aphrodite
    Arm companion to the rich and mighty
    Sat upon a victor’s spoils
    For when the threat is in your eyes
    Hera’s jealousy burns and boils
    This silver tongue gave your rise
    By the same will it be your demise




    Submitted on 2007-02-25 23:44:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I thought the rhyme compromised the piece. Rhymes like rise and demise seem forced and give this an unnatural rhythm since the rest of the piece is fairly void of them. I think that it's more so you chose them for assonance; maintaining you "eyes" sound as in eyes, demise, Aphrodite ect. Overall I enjoyed this but it felt a bit fragmented the jumps from line 4 to 5.
    I also think seated works better than Sat in "Sat upon a victor’s spoils" You'd weaken the assonance a little but it seems more natural unless of course she is no longer sitting upon victor's spoils. I don't know much more than a basic over view of Greek mythology and it's been ages so I'm not help there. do what you will.
    peace
    | Posted on 2007-02-26 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    136057

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Journey written by endlessgame23
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    no words for how graceful you are in this moment written by Daniel Barlow
    Silent Screams In Silent Dreams written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Carry written by saartha
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Cover written by saartha
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    the testing of hypotheses written by Daniel Barlow
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    an unashamed poverty written by Daniel Barlow
    Every..... written by jackz
    Formal Jen written by Daniel Barlow
    Yes written by poetotoe
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    prison written by ShyOne
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Fasade written by jackz
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    descent written by TheBadSadMan

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry