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    dots Submission Name: Gilded Goddessdots

    Author: homeless
    ASL Info:    30
    Elite Ratio:    7.61 - 29/18/23
    Words: 55
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 773
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 344


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    dotsGilded Goddessdots

    Your silver tongue seeks
    To find itself upon the golden apple
    Aspire to a new Aphrodite
    Arm companion to the rich and mighty
    Sat upon a victor’s spoils
    For when the threat is in your eyes
    Hera’s jealousy burns and boils
    This silver tongue gave your rise
    By the same will it be your demise

    Submitted on 2007-02-25 23:44:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I thought the rhyme compromised the piece. Rhymes like rise and demise seem forced and give this an unnatural rhythm since the rest of the piece is fairly void of them. I think that it's more so you chose them for assonance; maintaining you "eyes" sound as in eyes, demise, Aphrodite ect. Overall I enjoyed this but it felt a bit fragmented the jumps from line 4 to 5.
    I also think seated works better than Sat in "Sat upon a victor’s spoils" You'd weaken the assonance a little but it seems more natural unless of course she is no longer sitting upon victor's spoils. I don't know much more than a basic over view of Greek mythology and it's been ages so I'm not help there. do what you will.
    | Posted on 2007-02-26 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]

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