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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sorrels Realitydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: SorrelsReality
    ASL Info:    25/ Female/ See Quote.
    Elite Ratio:    6.52 - 175/113/20
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1269
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 753



    Description:
       I forgot how much better I feel when I write. Some may not understand, or even like this piece...but it certainly did it's purpose...it's help to free me of the pain for the moment. And I'm blessed that I can have that freedom to express myself through poetry.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSorrels Realitydots
    -------------------------------------------


    You say you can see me, but is it truly me you are seeing?

    You say you can hear me, but all you hear is the sing-song mask that covers the pain hidden inside.

    You want to know me?

    Are you prepared for all that lies beneath the surface?

    Behind this Da'Vinci is a Picasso....a scattered picture of one being splattered with different colors....not just the colors you wish to see, the colors that paint your world free of problems....but the colors of every emotion I feel....the darks, the lights.....

    the shadows.

    I'm not just a display....I'm a real person...flesh and bone. I bleed, I cry.....I am who I am....

    Can you handle that?




    Submitted on 2007-02-26 13:02:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    2: I dunno...
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    ||| Comments |||
      I love it! I am so far removed from writing and critiquing, so I don't think I can suggest anything of substance. If you do decide to revise, I would love to see it, but it rings true as is.

    My answers to your questions Yes, Yes, and Yes,
    oh, I guess they where rhetorical :)

    very nice work,
    Nicely
    | Posted on 2007-04-12 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]
      Behind this Da'Vinci is a Picasso....a scattered picture of one being splattered with different colors....not just the colors you wish to see, the colors that paint your world free of problems....but the colors of every emotion I feel....the darks, the lights.....

    the shadows.

    I'm not just a display....I'm a real person...flesh and bone. I bleed, I cry.....I am who I am....

    Can you handle that?



    Poetry too often becomes a model of what writers would like the world to see in them rather than the reality of who they are (which is often lost in technique and becomes less genuine after each revision). I do have to agree that 'the pain inside' is a bit angsty in comparison to the rest of the write (particularly the Picasso reference) and I'd suggest rewording that phrase slightly. Of course, that's up to you.

    Nicely done
    Bill
    | Posted on 2007-02-27 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I love it!

    Advice: Don't listen to anyone's critique's of how to make this better... keep it as it is from your heart.

    Personally, I am tired of reading people's comments to you about your outward beauty. I don't know if you're feelin' me on this one or not but... there is so much more to a person than what they look like!!!! You are more than a pretty face in a window sill, watching the passerby, you are more than what this world will try to make you. Break out of these molds of social conformity, BE YOU! Just be you... as you as you can be. Be it.

    This writing is so amazing, don't get too busy to keep persuing what you've started here. Discover more about yourself, and who Chrsit wants to be in you.

    This a favorite for sure.

    I'm blessed for reading this, it is true for so many of us, if we will only let ourselves be free in Christ.

    Cheers,
    Tom

    | Posted on 2007-02-26 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      I did like the ending of this poem - it was a modern sort of ending with a bit of an attitude. Nice job. However, I think that 'the pain hidden inside' is a bit too much - far too teen-angst-sounding. I like what you are trying to get across, here, and I think if you try to describe you a little bit more and the pain everyone feels a little bit less, your poem will be more you and you'll be happier with it.
    | Posted on 2007-02-26 00:00:00 | by awastedsky | [ Reply to This ]


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    136102

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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    January 10 07
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