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At ocean's break of waves
upon submissive washed sands
I stand in utter awe of a glorious sunset.
Each ray of life touching Western Sky
brings coming night
they sing a welcoming refrain
to the starlight's song.
I open my arms to capture it all
I cannot hold this power.
For this is the strength
of a sun burning for thousands of years-
the strength of a born life giver
This is the strength that cradled life
in a loving Father's arms
and beheld the enlightment of mankind.
This is the Strength that pushed sailors
far and long to distant lands
to lands of their wildest dreams.
This is the Strength that runs through
my human veins
and fills me
that the roar rests forever
in my ears
ears now deaf from age.
| First, let me pick: S1: Should be “ocean’s”. “washing” doesn’t work – maybe “washed”?|
S2: The rays don’t bring the night, but there is always “poetic license”.
Throughout this poem I notice an excessive use of present participles – submitting, washing [in a row, too!] touching, bringing, etc. After a while it dulls the ears from repetition.
As for the “philosophical mood”, I prefer to think of it as thoughts – and great thoughts at that. I like the ideas a lot, and I like your approach to presenting them. I don’t care for some of the verbiage and feel it could use (and deserves) some editing.
|| Posted on 2007-03-02 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ] |