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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Who disturbs my slumber?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MornSweetSong
    ASL Info:    21/female/wales
    Elite Ratio:    4.42 - 110/83/46
    Words: 182
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 876
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1018



    Description:
       Before anyone says anything, I realise that this is a little childish and that I may have made some spelling errors, also that the rhyme structure is sloppy and pushed at best. However, I have had 3 hours sleep and I am not in the mood for pedantics ;o)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWho disturbs my slumber?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    count the hours, before dawns early light
    A bloody battle, for sleep I must fight.
    I while away minutes, distracted by sound,
    A chime of the clock, a pin hits the ground.

    My eyes burn like embers, inside my head,
    It yearns for me, my soft quilted bed.
    My body no longer feels like my own,
    The night is eternity, because I'm alone.

    I listen for traffic, in the street below,
    At night the world closes, nowhere to go.
    I could go for a walk, down to the park,
    Just one small problem, my fear of the dark.

    Did I betray him?, the blessed Sand Man,
    Not that I remember, is this his plan?
    To leave me hurting, waiting for sleep,
    My energy leaves me, I'll soon weep.

    Mr Sandman, bring me my slumber,
    I cant count sheep, all out of numbers,
    Sandman I implore you, heed my call,
    Upon my pillow, let my weary head fall.





    Submitted on 2007-02-27 12:34:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This poem was good, but it had the same rhyme scheme landing all throughout. I know that you were really tired, but i'm sure you could read over it fine now.



    I listen for traffic, in the street below,
    At night the world closes, nowhere to go.
    I could go for a walk, down to the park,


    Lines like this were really good, but then the next line ended on the exact same "ark" note as the last, making it just feel repetative. It wasn't a bad poem, but the repetative rhyme scheme detracted from the overall.
    | Posted on 2007-03-10 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem is pretty sweet. I've felt like that many many times before. Mostly at parties. I can't stand it. Its flow was continuous and not choppy. And the rhymes seemed to fit perfectly, none of them seemed forced. The best thing I've found for sleep is either to get stoned or drunk. I've never tried sleeping pills cuz weed and beer always worked for me. And the sand man is dead anyway. I killed him when he tried to throw sand in my eyes while I was trying to sleep. The old [censored] deserved it.

    Peace,
    Love,
    And weed for everyone!
    | Posted on 2007-02-27 00:00:00 | by Magic Dragon | [ Reply to This ]


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