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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Letter to a Hipocritedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dude90998
    ASL Info:    15/m/La
    Elite Ratio:    4.43 - 43/36/8
    Words: 224
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angry
    Total Views: 1130
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1495



    Description:
       I submitted this under my alter ego and noone commented. I think it's pretty good. Tell me if I'm wrong. Also when I read it I start kinda slow and speed up to intensify it. Cuz I got angrier as I wrote it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLetter to a Hipocritedots
    -------------------------------------------


    On your anger I fed
    Now in darkness I hide
    I cannot see the good
    Because I've become blinded
    By the hate that I've caused
    In the eyes of my lovers
    And rage I have shown
    To my sisters and brothers
    Their faith I've destroyed
    And their trust I've demolished
    With this highway of lies
    That I've paved and I've polished
    So shiny and clear
    That you saw right through it
    I tried to convince you
    But I lied and you knew it

    And I can't bear to live
    With the pain that I caused
    So I asked for forgiveness
    Of all I've done wrong
    I had made my excuses
    I'd fought and I'd fought
    But you figured me out
    I admitted my faults

    But now I'm unforgiven
    Cuz I took the blame
    And you seem to believe
    I should live with the shame
    But hipocricy's worse
    I guess talking is useless
    Cuz I forgave you
    When you still made excuses

    When you start to grow up
    However long that takes
    And when you start to realize
    All your mistakes
    When you don't make excuses
    When you stop being fake
    When you feel the same anger
    When you feel the same hate
    When you understand
    And when you start to see
    It'll be too late then
    You are nothing to me




    Submitted on 2007-02-28 16:49:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Pretty good. The only thing that threw me a off a little was the flow. It seemed to slow in the beginning, I don't know maybe it was me. The ending, is kind of choppy, but I do that sometimes in my poems because I get in to much of a hurry. Try slowing down, and thinking more about what you're writing. Or perhaps, create a rough draft, then revise it.

    Also, I know someone pointed this out earlier, but I suppose I will again. Some of your spelling is wrong, which can really throw people off track as they're reading the poem. So, in the future be sure of your spelling. Proof-read through the poem a couple of times before actually posting it. Every little thing helps.

    Anywho, you have a good concept going here, and it is written exceptionally. I think as you go on, and write more and more, you'll get a lot better. Everyone has room for improvement, even our greatest poets, so don't take that as an insult. Keep up the writing.

    Sincerely,
    Draigon
    | Posted on 2007-03-02 00:00:00 | by Draigon | [ Reply to This ]
      There were a few bumpy parts in this poem, but not all poems have to flow perfectly.. This one did have a slow start and a choppy, faster ending. but it was good. Something I believe that people can relate to at times. I like the last verse.. its my favorite. Maybe because I can relate to that the best. The point is, I like it. You did a good job. Just practice on the flow of things.. And try and do a spell check on words you arent sure about.. But we have all been there and done that.. Just some things I think you need to focus on. . Because your words and phrases are put together well.. You had some good rhymes.. I hope to hear more from you.. You seem to be writting from deep within.. I like that!
    | Posted on 2007-03-01 00:00:00 | by Blindly-N-Love | [ Reply to This ]
      The rhyme scheme was hackneyed and "hipocrit" should be spelled "hypocrite." The concept is pretty good. Work out the execution. It's a little elusive. It has potential--good luck.

    melora
    | Posted on 2007-02-28 00:00:00 | by Melora | [ Reply to This ]
      I felt this, well and truly.
    The words were flowing beautifully and painfully, I could practically taste the tears here, not to sound all pixies and elves or anything.
    I loved the short, abruptness of the lines, it ept it interesting and vivid. I feel that anger and power are the themes here as the writer knows they were down trodden, but they will survive or have already overcome. I loved this, truly awesome.
    | Posted on 2007-02-28 00:00:00 | by MornSweetSong | [ Reply to This ]


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