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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Victim of Lust pt. 1dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: brunov68
    ASL Info:    22/M/Toronto
    Elite Ratio:    4.34 - 311/320/30
    Words: 146
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angry
    Total Views: 413
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 997



    Description:
       Me going at the Lust thing again...please let me know what you think, and im working on the 2nd part of this which deals with the daughter of this couple..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsVictim of Lust pt. 1dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Scorching temperatures reach a high,
    sweat trickles down your face.
    Accompanying your wife to the beach,
    the setting that witnessed you two meet seems unchanged.
    Wife lies on the sand,
    sun cooks beauty on her pallid skin.
    She sits on the powder-like creation,
    thanking God for this striking gift.
    Subsequent to a day at the seashore,
    both lovers share a shower
    cooling down their young flaming souls.
    Legitimate feelings are expressed in this intimate time
    she cleanses your body,
    you rinse hers.
    In that order.
    You swear to never leave her side,
    She promises to never abandon yours.
    Respectively.
    Too perfect if these pledges were true,
    can’t keep your vows
    you cheat on your companion.
    She is merely an additional casualty
    in the malicious world of lust;
    you betrayed your matrimony
    for a slightly larger bust.




    Submitted on 2004-06-08 15:01:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i like this because i can relate. sadly enough i was the one who cheated on my husband though. this is something that happens to often and sometimes ends badly. i haven't read part to yet, but i will. good write**
    | Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]
      the end definately made it all come together. it's one of those that i had to read a second time.i gotta check out part 2.
    Star
    | Posted on 2004-09-02 00:00:00 | by shootingstar | [ Reply to This ]
      whoa...that is pretty sad... how he swore his heart to her and her his and they had a love for eachother so deep...a marriage and through his lust he let a bigger bust cloud his mind, and once you cheat there will always be another time..boo hoo
    | Posted on 2004-08-19 00:00:00 | by Brwnsknsam05 | [ Reply to This ]
      well... it was really good up to the show. you kinda made it... break its rythem/flow/meaning. but it is ok... but i don't like this one very much. sorry. it is kinda good though. sorry you asked for the truth. (i don't like telling poeple that i don't like there poems very much.)
    ~Shadow
    | Posted on 2004-08-26 00:00:00 | by Moonshadow | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW BRUNO. excellent end. it made the whole poem. you know i like to criticize you sometimes, but this poem was amazing. i know you have been orking on it for a while and it is now excellent. hope you never do that to me. love you always

    -sarah
    | Posted on 2004-06-08 00:00:00 | by EdwardScissorhands | [ Reply to This ]
      wow. very poignant ending. I think I have only one suggestion; the last comma should maybe be a semicolon. The semicolon would provide a bit more of a pause, which adds some drama. Otherwise, this was really good. I know you'll hear this alot, but very visual and very detailed. I liked it alot, keep it up!
    | Posted on 2004-06-08 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]
      PS I'm excited to see part 2... if I don't comment when you first post it, please try to say something to me, because I'm excited to see what's next!
    | Posted on 2004-06-08 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, very good. I read part two first, so I'm a little backwards, but I like what you're doing. There are enough similarities to make you sit up and take notice, but not enough to make it seem formulaic. Good! Have you considered writing a third to wrap it all up?
    | Posted on 2004-06-09 00:00:00 | by Erchomenos | [ Reply to This ]



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