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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shatterdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ensult
    ASL Info:    19/Male/New York
    Elite Ratio:    3.01 - 115/114/31
    Words: 95
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 1196
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 616



    Description:
       This poem is just simply about heart break


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShatterdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Flowing like tides down your spine
    Hitting the borders of the suicide line
    It hits you on target attacking your cranium
    No matter how tough you are
    No hearts made of titanium
    No physical scars, no tearing of flesh
    So why is your strong heart feeling like mesh
    Not enough info to support your thesis
    Your almost like a starfish torn to pieces
    Either way you'll walk before you crawl
    But with a broken heart you'll always fall
    Disgusted and ashamed of how your open
    If your heart isn't stone or brick its broken




    Submitted on 2004-06-08 15:08:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Some good lines, I like "a starfish torn to pieces", but why "almost like a starfish torn to pieces"?
    I'd leve off the almost.
    I think you could make a few changes to get the rhyme and rhythm to flow a bit better. Look at these

    Flowing like tides down your spine
    hitting the edge of the suicide line

    It hits you on target attacking your cranium
    No matter how tough,
    No hearts made of titanium

    No physical scars, no tearing of flesh
    So why is your heart so strong feeling like mesh

    Not enough info to support your thesis
    Your feel like a starfish that's torn into pieces

    Disgusted, ashamed of how you are open
    if your heart isn't stone or brick then its broken

    I'm not sure if that doesn't change your meaning too much on some, but see if they don't seem more balanced to you. Hope you are feeling more cheerful soon.
    | Posted on 2004-06-08 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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