goodbye manifest by Someones Epiphany

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Submission Name: goodbye manifest dots

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Author:	Someones Epiphany
Elite Ratio:	8 - 4198/1955/140
Words:	80

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	402
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	611

Description:
better title ideas accepted...

his eyes have haunted me all day...

goodbye manifest dots

-------------------------------------------

while beauty and emptiness compete
for first place
in word, action, memory,

in your eyes

pain curdled optimism
with its trying-not-to-cry smile
dictates

i find myself saying thank you
on and on
like cigarettes
like the second line
of a well known poem
its meaning long forgot

in your eyes

love
rising with a careful drunk’s dignity
suggests this is goodbye
while beauty and emptiness manifest
as a single tear

in your eye.

Submitted on 2007-03-01 04:27:43 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  "love
rising with a careful drunk’s dignity
suggests this is goodbye
while beauty and emptiness manifest
as a single tear"

wow... another one... now it remembered me last night when i was drunk and i saw her... thank you! i just realized that i have to go to her house and tell her that i love her!
keep writing!
and take care
Victor
| Posted on 2008-10-03 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
  I envy the way you can encapsulate an image in so few words. I could immediately envision the pain behind the 'trying-not-to-cry smile', and you capture the shambling grace of an inebriated man perfectly with the words 'careful drunk's dignity'.

I also thought the way you interspersed the line 'in your eyes' throughout the poem kept the focus of the piece on that outside observer - the person this poem is directed at and who you're saying goodbye to. As such, i think you should consider changing the name of the poem to 'In Your Eyes' (even though Goodbye Manifest tells its own story).

I only wish i knew more of the inspiration behind the poem. i believe it would ehance my reading experience, being able to link it in such a way.

Still, i gained much from the reading of is - which i thank you for - not least of which observing how an unusual verse structure can work effectively and add to a piece.

Peace,
Jaco
| Posted on 2007-07-28 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ]
  hmmmm... i think ill give you a link to something... mind you its something that hit me right away when i read this piece. so before i over analyze the connection here it is.... just to refresh my memory and to see if my first impressions were wrong...

http://alessonislearned.com/index.php?comic=40

there be the link and here be what i think of your piece....

close up of eyes are always intriguing, and this one is a spotlight on what some wise men call windows to the soul... or something like it. i just call em "peepers". anyway, i certainly found this quite quaint. i really do. simple hints of conflict and the resolution, a nice touch with your subtle wordplay.

your subject choice is probably one of the most expressive parts to the human body, second, would be in my opinion, hands.

hmmm, now that i re-read that link up yonder i wonder if there was any uncanny resemblance. what do you think? granted they're both different animals, i still think they have the same sentiment... if not for the same subject choice.

sometimes though, i think that our own eyes are ultimately blind and inadequate. giving us way too much to see with all these visual synesthesia and what it makes us do as human beings. is our own sight really essential in our own survival. meh... peepers.

peace.
| Posted on 2007-07-14 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]
  strange how we can read eachother so flawlessly.

we read this poem as you read another, and it's much like pointing a camcorder at a television.

window to a window to a window deal.

regardless of my wandering thoughts...

i enjoyed this piece, and beyond that there is little i can say, on account of the fact my brain is melted

i liked the part about the second line of a forgotten poem, but felt that the line "lost in your eyes" seems a bit vague as to whether the memory of the poem was lost in the other's eyes, or if you are starting a new idea.

but that's me.

and i'm on crack.

~krg
| Posted on 2007-07-13 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]
  ...a manifesto to goodbyes moreso than a goodbye manifest i think.

you manage to enumerate the component parts of a parting that is not sweet sorrow; one that is for a while or maybe longer yet and in a number of ways it reads like it should be set to music doesn't it? something by leonard cohen or not paul simon...

well 2 commas and a full stop is probably just about enough in something this short and to the point and i know what you're on about; i know what you mean and i guess quite a few others do too.

yes you have a way of telling it how it is and i invariably find myself nodding in that way people do when they are being told something they already know - even though they don't know...

take it easy mate,

k
| Posted on 2007-04-10 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
  You always make me feel a little sad, but in the most wonderful way.

Have you ever known a hope that crushed you and filled you with a sadness at the same time? This is what your writing does to me.

[and it truly is a great thing because I am incapable of most feelings, so thank you]

I once did not use punctuation of any sort so I shall never wag a finger at you for that choice.

I do appreciate the words you share.
| Posted on 2007-03-13 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]
  Ok, ok, ok. Ha, there's still things to say! Wonderful.

I love how this whol thing revolves around the line "in your eye(s)" like a gymnast on the parallel bars.

The second strophe (I really don't know what that word means, but i'm using it anyways... I do that a lot. Hold on, I'll go look it up...ok. cool.)
is debatable in exact meaning. It really knocks the reader in the face the first time around- I just ended up stuck on it, trying to figure out which variation to go off (without much information at this point)... but you know I'm not sure how much it matters- both pain and optimism (curdled being the operative emotional cue), not struggling like emptiness and beauty, but inextricably connected, a driving force, the watershed roof off of which beauty or emptiness will fall (After teetering on the very center for ever....)

Anyways, it's the fist stanza I really like. Word, action, memory- the three battlegrounds, three fronts... it reminds me of "thought, word, and deed" from some creed I can't recall the name of. There's like, the three levels of existence or something- what you DO, what you think, what you think about what you think/thought/were/about your past. your past defines a lot of who you are. all of these thigns define who you are in different respects/aspects.

"in your eyes

love
rising with a careful drunk’s dignity
suggests this is goodbye
while beauty and emptiness manifest
as a single tear

in your eye."

I love the "Careful drunk's dignity". I love the double meaning of love rising/ the image of a careful drunk rising from his barstool for a goodbye hug that has to mean less than he wants it to.

Um....yeah, anyways.

Sorry, I'm helpless on the title thing. It fits thematically, but... there's something about it that says maybe if it wasn't by you I wouldn't have read it based off of the title.

| Posted on 2007-03-03 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
  Beauty competing with emptiness, emptiness embodying beauty, beauty drying out with its horrible thinness, its horrible frailty, evaporating from its shallow pool. Sometimes they're synonymous... this must not be one of those times.

I think I've found four ways to read this strophe:

pain curdled optimism
with its trying-not-to-cry smile
dictates

1. That pain has curdled the optimism, with [the pain's] smile, which dictates.

2. The optimism is 'pain-curdled,' which is basically the samething, but now instead of the pain doing something this instant, the optimism is being described, and the optimisms smile dictates.

3. That, like interpertation one, pain has curdled the optimism and [the optimism's] smile, which dictates.

Okay, I guess there as just three ways. I'm thinking it's number two, otherwise, upon reconsidering, the 'dictates' doesn't make sense. If it is case two, then I would recommend adding the hyphen there. But anyway it goes, I too, like Adam, love that strophe.

I like that it's the second line, and not the first. Because not only has the second line's meaning been forgotten, it's probably been overlooked altogether, overshadowed by the first line and everything first lines mean in writing. Perhaps 'forgot' should be 'forgotten?' I think it sounds better that way, tell me what you think.

I love the reappearence of beauty and emptiness at the end, making the poem conclude it's original beginning, or at least taking it in a new direction. Well done.

And Adam already said everything about eyes (and quite beautifully). I'll just agree; eyes are windows. Eyes are windows.

And for titles... umm... I like 'beauty and emptiness.' But what you have now, 'goodbye manifest' works fine.

I like it Jaydee. Be well.

PS - Something I just thought of for you to consider, I don't know about it:

You could change this part to metaphors as opposed to similies. Metaphors are typically stronger, and are less telling than similies.

like cigarettes
like the second line
of a well known poem
its meaning long forgot

to

[just] cigarettes[,]
[] the second line
of a well known poem
its meaning long forgot

| Posted on 2007-03-01 00:00:00 | by wool raincoat | [ Reply to This ]
  Eyes are stained-glass windows, sometimes rain splattered, sometimes bursting with sunshine. Eyes are two-way mirrors more powerful than any x-ray. Eyes are a tiny sky of soul. Eyes are the best.

So. "beauty and emptiness" suggest love (because it's impossible not to love beauty) but also sadness and sympathy, perhaps even empathy. Yes. I think empathy.

pain curdled optimism
with its trying-not-to-cry smile
dictates

I really rather like this part. "pain curdled optimism" does dicate, it drives a person onwards, has a momentum that dams tears and makes a smile weigh a 100 tonnes

i find myself saying thank you
on and on

until you get wrapped up in a chain of repetition. Until you escape into eyes.

Eyes can consume whole moments, shrink the world to silence. Eyes are the best.
| Posted on 2007-03-01 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
  Allow me to pull a cool kid and reserve a spot near the bottom~

I will be back!
| Posted on 2007-03-01 00:00:00 | by wool raincoat | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi,

Title ideas, "thankful Iris" or "Iris of sorrow" or "Empty Beauty", or "Haunting Iris"

Kind regards
Eric
| Posted on 2007-03-01 00:00:00 | by bornx2000 | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
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9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

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