Mindfuck. by Derrick Thomas

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Submission Name: Mindfuck. dots

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Author:	Derrick Thomas
ASL Info:	21/Male/Alabama
Elite Ratio:	4.33 - 20/52/35
Words:	249

Class/Type:	Random Thoughts/Serious
Total Views:	193
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1316

Description:
Thoughts spewing from hell.

Mindfuck. dots

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I think that its great how you can remove a piece of skin from your body, put it in your mouth and chew on it, and it doesn't hurt.

You will think what I tell you to think.

You think, "Man, this used to be part of me, but now I'm eating it."

You wonder if the skin still feels. Do the nerves really die that fast?

Do they still cry out violently as your yellow teeth sink into them, trying their damn hardest to do their job and tell you to stop hurting yourself?

Probably not.

I used to want to hide in my mind. I thought I'd be safe in there. The world couldn't get to me in there.

I told people that. I told people how I could just get away from everything in there. My mind was my own personal refuge, my sanctuary.

The malodorus clouds fell, and the pain rolled in from over the hills. I didn't see it coming.

I ran into my mind, and hid away.

There is no comparable hell to that place. Everything exists in there. Everything. The pain I was hiding from was in there, along with a thousand variations of itself. My mind is infinity. My mind is eternal. My mind is my lord.

But can it be tamed?

Submitted on 2007-03-02 11:06:57 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  hmm. now, the bit about the skin seemed only simi-related to the end of hiding in your mind. i appreciated both portions, though. well done, and easy to relate to. concepts were easy to understand. thanks.
| Posted on 2007-03-31 00:00:00 | by DontSaveMySoul | [ Reply to This ]
  Not exactly the commentary requested. But I already told you that.

First, we'll start with basic things, typos mostly (I can only find one):
1. First line, "its" should be "it's".

Now the thing itself. I like to think of it as a poem, so I read it that way.
To be vague, I find it interesting. It reads as the speaker is talking to the reader while at the same time speaking in subliminal messages. I can't really explain it, and I could be wrong, you would know better than I. Mainly "You will think what I tell you to think" is the only subliminal message I read. When I read it I imagine someone quickly whispering it in my ear and then walking away. It can be read an entirely different way, a violent way, someone forcing someone to think what they want and then continuing with their nonsensical chatter.

Not that this is completely nonsensical chatter. I find some things that I think have meaning in it. Probably personal though. Finding one's mind to be an unsafe place isn't uncommon, nor is the usual route to escape even that. That's one of the things about writing, it deals with the same stuff, just in different ways.

Some lines:
"The malodorus clouds fell, and the pain rolled in from over the hills. I didn't see it coming."
I like the imagery here, it is frightening, and I can see the next line clearly as well. I see dreadful clouds lumbering towards a fleeing body that jumps through a hole and ends up in its own mind, thinking itself safe. I don't think that part was meant to be very visual, but I derived an image regardless. I don't think it necessary to describe the image I got in detail.

"There is no comparable hell to that place. Everything exists in there. Everything. The pain I was hiding from was in there, along with a thousand variations of itself. My mind is infinity. My mind is eternal. My mind is my lord."
I have two thoughts:
A. It's fine.
B. Describe it, explain hell. Better, explain how no hell can compare to yours.
*II. I suppose no two could compare in the same way you can't compare two different things. One hell is different, what one considers suffering, another may consider banal. Unable to compare in that sense, makes sense.
*II.. Noncomparable as in, nothing can be as terrible? Makes less sense. It can make sense in that humans seem to have a habit of trying to outdo another's suffering. "You've got a cold? Lucky you, I've got AIDS." Without knowing what the speaker's hell is like, this interpretation just makes the speaker self-centered. Which isn't unusual for people, but it can be annoying at times.

The early part of the writing was an interesting thought. I'm not much on the human body or biology, but I don't think nerves come off with skin unless it is a large chunk of skin. If I'm correct, then the only way the nerves would still be able to feel is if one chews on a larger chunk of skin, which makes the early part more disturbing to see.

Overall:
I find the poem interesting, as I vaguely stated earlier. Having a Charlie Brown moment yet? In its current form, it's mostly a thing that's fairly good the first time you read it, and becomes less interesting on subsequent reads. Most literature is like that, so it's certainly not a failure. The images are interesting. Some parts could do with some elaboration, but only if you feel they should. Left as-is, the writing still won't suffer. Deals with the character's inner struggle/pain and is short.
Not the best comment, but I didn't feel like there was much to work with here.

| Posted on 2007-03-19 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
  you have an interestin mind....i wonder if a mind really can be tamed....maybe it can, maybe you will be the first....either way, this is an interestin piece, although it is not the first i have read of its kind it is still unique and pretty like those scary things you look at and dont know why you look at them and later say that the colors of that terrible fire were so perfect and bright no matter how horrific it was....you, dear, are spiffy...
| Posted on 2007-03-05 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
  It doesn't hurt cause it's not still connected to you.

It's probably screaming out, "D*mn b*tch, that sh*t HURTS!!!"

Those are my thoughts on the subject.

And the mind is a scary f*cking place.
| Posted on 2007-03-03 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this...but I don't think that the nerves would die in your skin, endings...little signals yes, not the nerves themselves.

I watched the dead poets society this morning

I think this is close to perfect because it is artistic, and I think it is very important because it has much meaning. I like the things you write, sometimes they remind me of me...sometimes I get a terrific insight into you, I find both pleasant. People fuc*k dogs.
| Posted on 2007-03-02 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]

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