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    dots Submission Name: Selfish Acts, Fatal Consequencesdots

    Author: just an angel
    ASL Info:    17/F/FL
    Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 95/109/59
    Words: 125
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 747
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 902

       I guess I watch a lot of TV shows and know of historical situations where many people died but could have been saved only if someone or enough people bothered to help them

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    dotsSelfish Acts, Fatal Consequencesdots

    Lying on your back
    Underneath the demon
    There is no protection
    From the determined semen

    Chained to a wall
    Moaning from pain
    You've lost all control
    You've become his domain

    No screaming for help
    No one will take heed
    They'll turn up the TV
    As your virginity bleeds

    Why does no one care?
    What do they have to fear?
    Thanks to their ignorance
    She has disappeared

    Will they feel safe later
    When her body is found
    Tossed in some alley
    Or in some lake drowned

    The future she missed
    Could have been saved
    But instead "Rest in peace"
    Is set to be engraved

    For eternity she lie
    Underneath the fiends
    Who could have saved her
    Only if they intervened

    Submitted on 2007-03-02 19:51:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Wow, that grabbed me from the first line. At first, because of the description I guess, I thought it was going to be about ancient battles or something. But, wow, this was awesome! The only think that tripped me up was in the last stanza, first line. I spent a little while looking at where you've written 'lie' wondering if it's just me or does that sound strange there. Maybe I'm just in a peculiar mood. Whichever, just a thought. Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed this work! If you weren't already on my Favs list I would add it.
    | Posted on 2008-02-25 00:00:00 | by Cat | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good.
    It grabs the attention of the reader quickly.
    Enticing you to read more.
    It shows the thought, emotions and feelings of the writer.

    Thanks for sharing part of yourself
    | Posted on 2007-03-04 00:00:00 | by Postillion | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very very good. I like the use of shock words and phrases in a poem or in prose...i think our society has become so apathetic to the shocking, that when you are actually able to do so, you should take full advantage of it bc that seems to be the only way to get the message across...i really liked it a lot...i think you had a good choice of diction for what you were trying to portray.

    | Posted on 2007-03-03 00:00:00 | by Jessibel | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very, very good. I have on very small critiscsm, and please keep in mind it is very small, and that is the rhyme scheme being so repetative. This can often completely ruin a poem and make it feel forced. However, your lack of care for being sometimes brutal (semen and bleeding virgnity often not being used, but something I like when used well) honesty made it seem so sincere that it was of little concern. However, keep in mind that had it not been perhaps such a good topic you felt so strongly for, the repetative rhyme scheme would of stuck out more, and the poem could still be improved by altering that, although as I said, in this case it doesn't really hurt it much. I think you know what I'm getting at, I have trouble explaining things. But yeah, this was good.
    | Posted on 2007-03-03 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]
      This is one very deep write where I feel you are sadly talking of how different people have been taking advantage of and sadly in some cases seem to have died when just like you said if someone ANYONE would have intervened then this tragedy would not have happenend
    I think you did very well with this and I would encourage you to maybe send this in to a newspapers editorial to be published
    Excellent Job this is filled with a lot of inner emotion
    God Bless
    Please if you get a chance please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    | Posted on 2007-03-03 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]

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