Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dreams of Love and Firefliesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ollie_wicked
    ASL Info:    27?FEarth
    Elite Ratio:    4.02 - 320/200/90
    Words: 451
    Class/Type: Story/Love
    Total Views: 1195
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2336



    Description:
       This is my first official story. I hope you like it but even if you don't let me know what you thought. As always, thank you for reading!! ^_^


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDreams of Love and Firefliesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    In late June, a spec of light floats on summer’s gusts. Flashes of light working towards hidden woods. As trees open and laughter is heard, two persons are in love and in secret. A boy of maybe 17 or 18 lying in the lap of a frail girl. She was stroking his beautiful black hair that was lightly rubbed with brown. He was talking about the stars and life and love and futures of lives to far away to really see. The girl 14 or 15 agreed to all his picturesque paragraphs. Listening to the weavings of his lavishing tones, she watched his lips curve and fly. She was a curvy girl with brown hair and lines where the sun had stayed to brighten her face. Stroking his hair, watching him speak, and the luminescent radiance of the moon….blurring.
    The boy not noticing his motionless love, running and running to his points and visions. While the only things that are listening to his forethought are the insects casting their glows and shadows and a distant doll. Running on empty, he asks her, “Why do you love me”? The fireflies beeping with radiance and silence. He leans up, now realizing that her loving caressing had stopped. He shakes her, “What’s wrong? Are you all right? Please tell me, love! What’s the matter?”
    Still unmoving and unable to remember anything else but the fireflies and the passionate boy, she is removed from her secret woods to a place of noise and sickness. As time persists, she lays there. Her love visited everyday for a month, caressing her hands, telling her about his life without her, how he missed her so. After the first day of August, she still lay immobile, but breathing. His last visit was that day. Only the light beeping and his whimpering monologue are heard as he tells her that he can’t stand being without her touch and love. He said that he is so lonely now. He then progresses to telling her that at his arrival at his new job, he met a co-worker that was finding him more “interesting” day by day. He tells her that he is sorry, “if you can hear me”, that he will always miss her and that when she does awake that he will be her friend and confidant but nothing more.
    So now, a girl sleeping lays in her noisy, sick ridden home, wandering in the secret woods in her daze of fireflies and love that will last until she awakens.




    Submitted on 2007-03-02 23:11:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ollie-
    all I can say is-

    WOW.

    damn good job.

    ^_^

    love you

    <3
    Rose
    | Posted on 2007-03-06 00:00:00 | by Queen_of_spades | [ Reply to This ]
      I absolutely loved this! The imagery was great! (Sorry, I am a huge fan of imagery!) I think that maybe you could have described how the sun was hitting the girl's face in the beginning more. Overall, it was an excellent piece! Great job for your first "official story".

    Keep writing and keep up the excellent work!

    *~ Mist ~*
    | Posted on 2007-03-03 00:00:00 | by PrincessDoom13 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    136579

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Heroína written by MyPeriodical
    Scared written by MyPeriodical
    Stance written by Daniel Barlow
    Quoth The Skies and its limits written by MyPeriodical
    Silly Rulers. written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Their fine denial written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Untitled written by _winky_
    Leyenda de Un Maldito Cobarde written by MyPeriodical
    Canalizar written by MyPeriodical
    Broken Promises written by S.A.M.
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Tired Vine written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by MyPeriodical
    not alone written by Daniel Barlow
    In God's Name written by poetotoe
    Comparisons written by MyPeriodical
    A Donde Llegamos written by MyPeriodical
    Remedies written by MyPeriodical
    Two hundred and seven times written by MyPeriodical
    Behest [krb + drb] written by Daniel Barlow
    That Kind of Love Never Brought Me Flowers written by Jazzy
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    The annointed one is persecuted. written by MyPeriodical
    I am a sorry son. written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Blues written by TheStillSilence

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry