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Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
I'd rather not be like Cinderella
Who lost her shoe to find a fella'.
I'm quite fond of my shoe collection
And my plain old dresses too.
I refuse to change into a gown just for you.
Fairy Godmothers just ain't my style.
And I'd never take a golden carriage just to travel a mile.
So don't tell me about the fairest of them all
Because I know she'll be stunning, radiant, and tall!
Find some other poor girl to prey on.
One who'll fall into vanity
When you tell her about all the suitors who would come to call.
But if you need me,
I'll be shopping at the mall.
| Hi Memphis. I shall mix a little constructive criticism with praise as I think you are poet enough to appreciate it. As with most of your poems, you have brilliant ideas. The Cinderella idea provides a good leitmotif and ties the poem together with a tight structure. Consider a wee bit mre carefully the rhythm of some of your lines and always be prepared to swap the order of words around until you get the perfect sound. Your brain can be set on auto rhythm and it will recognize when something is or is not quite right. For instance, your line "I refuse to change into a gown just for you." breaks away from the metre youi have established into a prose rhythm. Something like "I refuse to wear a fancy gown for you" would retain your initial rhythm. Your line "And I'd never take a golden carriage just to travel a mile." feels too long and "just to travel a mile" really only exists because you chose to end your previous line with "style" and you were compelled to find a rhyme. Sometimes it's hard. "So don't dare call me honey chil'!" might work, but now I've ruuined that for you because it isn't your ideas and all poets want to be 100% original. If you can't find a rhyme for "style" then change that line, OR better still take out entirely the line "And I'd never take a golden carriage just to travel a mile."because it is in fact breaking the rule of your rhyme scheme of abb, cdd, eff etc. If you remove that one line, you will have reduced your poem to 14 lines which is of course the magical number for a sonnet. Then you need to take the last three lines and rework them into something like:|
"A victim of high heeled insanity.
When all those suitors come to call,
I'm buying sandals at the mall."
Forgive me for reworking your poem so rudely. I'm just trying to show you the mental process whereby you can make your next poem more effective. Your poem came to a witty conclusion without my help and I am envious of your idea.
|| Posted on 2004-12-30 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ] |