Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The falling of hopedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LadyMerlina
    ASL Info:    24/ F/ Montreal
    Elite Ratio:    3.07 - 60/93/58
    Words: 173
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 499
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1001



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe falling of hopedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I lost you.
    You moved away and your number changed.
    I smile and remember,
    you werenít much of a caller anyway.

    I said I had moved on.
    That I wasnít going to wait for you.
    But I realise, itís all I really do.
    I wait for you to live and grow up
    And be the man I know you will be.

    I guess I have to say goodbye now Tommy.

    For me, itís the end of a dream.
    The falling of hope.
    I wake without you but not alone.
    With a secret I tell no one.

    Youíll always be the love that torments me.
    Youíll be my secret mourning.
    Let me just say,
    the shadows never looked so becoming.

    Iíll hold your memory near me
    as a love lost, cherish it at any cost.
    Your name written on my skin
    in a language only I can comprehend
    Like my tragic secret within,
    for a love that was never meant to happen.






    Submitted on 2007-03-03 11:19:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Very simple. The vocabulary could use some zest. But overall, the concept is very well sweet. It is relatable and it is a personal attestation of what we all end up going through. I can completely connect with you when you mention this Tommy character not being much of a caller. And as much as you seem to sort of withdraw from that statement, it shows a depth of your character (somewhat passive, I might say in this situation, maybe because you have accumstomed yourself to not expecting any call from him?) and it shows a trait of Tommy- not very open to communication, or comfortable communicating over the phone, etc.

    Picks:

    "But I realise"

    But I realize. I believe spelling it with an 's' is the British way, not the American way.

    "in a language on I can comprehend"

    In a language only I can comprehend.

    Best line of the poem:

    "...the shadows never looked so becoming."

    Is the internal rhyming throughout the last stanza intentional?
    | Posted on 2007-07-27 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    136612

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    untitled written by Chelebel
    Linger written by saartha
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Push written by JanePlane
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Bond written by saartha
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry