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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: But, Mom!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jeniffer
    ASL Info:    18/f/earth
    Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 240/279/81
    Words: 290
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 1453
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1852



    Description:
       It was Mom's idea.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBut, Mom!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    There is a funny little phrase,
    She hears it every day;
    it seems to repeat and enforce itself
    In the most annoying way.

    It may be in response
    To a reasonable request,
    That doesn’t ask very much
    And doesn’t deserve protest.

    But it’s given lots of practice,
    And I perform it with aplomb;
    Whenever she wants me to do something,
    The answer is, “But, Mom!”

    “My name is not ‘But, Mom!’”, she says,
    but she looks like one to me;
    there are many "But, Mom!" like features
    she's too deluded to see.

    “Clean off your desk, wipe off that smirk”
    We all know what’s going to come;
    “Snap to attention, get off your butt,”

    “BUT MOM! BUT MOM! BUT MOM!”

    I still end up doing what she says,
    When I know I should be shirking;
    I can't stop saying, "But, Mom!" to her,
    I even say it while I’m working.

    It seems to echo down the halls,
    Until her ears are numb;
    And when we go to sleep at night,
    We’re both dreaming of “But, Mom!”

    She get’s tired of being such a nag,
    while I get tired of resisting;
    both of our peculiar habits
    Continue their persisting.

    “Do this, do that, do what I say”,
    Even though our feet are dragging,
    I continue to say my line,
    And she continues nagging.

    There is a funny little phrase,
    She hears it every day;
    it seems to repeat and enforce itself
    In the most annoying way.

    “Clean off your desk, wipe off that smirk”
    We all know what’s going to come;
    “Snap to attention, get off your butt,”

    “BUT MOM! BUT MOM! BUT MOM!”




    Submitted on 2007-03-03 20:22:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    2: I dunno...
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    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      Jenn
    I dont know how I missed this clever clever little ditty
    You spoke perfectly in this write and the flow is flawless
    I called my Mother over to read this write as well and she agress perfectly said and flawless
    I am making this a Favorite
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please keep in touch
    | Posted on 2007-10-31 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      'She get’s tired of being such a nag,
    while I get tired of resisting;
    both of our peculiar habits
    Continue their persisting.'

    I love this para. Your writing is very lively and makes me feel like I'm right there. Moms sometimes without knowing it can be quite demanding (in a 'I own you' kind of way). Lol made me remember of the time my mother made me carry her shopping bags and say (jokingly I hope) to her sister, "My servant girl can carry my bags".

    Anyway your poem made me remember things, which I personally think is a strong point. It a great thing if you can make your reader feel emotion, think and remember.

    Marray
    | Posted on 2007-10-08 00:00:00 | by marray proetus | [ Reply to This ]
      Tch. This reminds me so much of my little sister it's funny. She is extremely fluent in the tongue of backtalk...so much so that I never get a moment's peace at home; she argues with everybody for no apparent reason.

    It's hard to take an amusing one like this and dissect it for meaning line-by-line, especially considering it's the type of thing you just get. So I'll just make a few small suggestions if that's all right with you, since I see absolutely no punctuation or spelling problems after reading it a couple times.

    It flows well, though I might recommend taking out the extra space between the lines

    “Snap to attention, get off your butt,”

    “BUT MOM! BUT MOM! BUT MOM!”

    since that makes the reader's eye have to jump. Besides that, though, there's not much I can add. Possibly separate the mother's commands into their own quotation marks to make it travel a little more easily--though I'm not sure if that would really help, it's an experiment...

    And that's all I've got at the moment...

    --crimson
    | Posted on 2007-09-28 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought... 'This girl can write a damn good issue, but... can she write in general...?'

    Of course!

    I didn't think the phrase 'But, Mom!' was something worth writing about, and that's why I clicked on this title first, obviously to make fun of you if you didn't make it amusing or interesting lol. I'm only joking... you wrote this absolutly fantastic, brilliance.

    The only things I can suggest is go back through your lines here and match the syllables up in your stanzas so they have a nice flow, not necessarily the exact same syllables each line, but just make them match to form that 'poem' talk when you read it, do you know what I mean?

    "There is funny little phrase,
    She hears it every day;
    And it seems to repeat and enforce it itself
    In the most annoying way."

    Perfect example. "And it seems to repeat and enforce it itself everyday" totally seem off, along with wording too. Lemme try and help:

    "...It seems to repeat its ownself,
    In the most annoying way..."

    Good? You have one of these thingies >> ( ; ) so you don't need 'And,' and although you could use it just fine with it all still making sense, it just doesnt work in this stanza. But it's good that you tried, or else we'd never know, I guess.

    "But I still end up doing what she says,
    When I know I should be shirking;
    I can’t get myself to stop repeating that phrase,
    I even say it while I’m working."

    Shouldn't it be shreiking? Typo maybe??

    '...I can't get myself to stop repeating that phrase...'

    You have no idea how out of place that is... maybe cut '...that phrase' off? We will all know what you are talking about, seeing how its been about the same topic the whole poem, which a great thing by the way.

    Anyways, just go through and revise a bit, other than the things I mention (and a couple of times you use 'don't' and it should be 'doesn't,' which drives me crazy in poems, but any other time it's okay, lol)

    Anywho, you have an awesome talent, great work, and don't stop writing and submitting!

    Cutest poem of the day... lol

    Oh yeah, I almost forgot..
    'There is funny little phrase...'
    You forgot the 'a...'
    Should be 'There is ( a ) funny little phrase...'

    k it was driving me crazy so I had to come back and edit my comment lol, later

    necrotic
    | Posted on 2007-07-31 00:00:00 | by necrotic | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh my gosh! This was so amazing! My sister must have a fancy for saying "But, mom" as well.. not me cause I know that if I do it.. I get something in return :D

    This poem was so wonderfully written! The structure was so flow-y and the Rhyme was very very nice!

    I love how the end was too, all the capitols just flowed and gave a wonderful sense of the whole darned thing.


    Wonderful write...definitely a favorite.

    -Take Care
    | Posted on 2007-03-26 00:00:00 | by Maki | [ Reply to This ]
      Great Poem! I really enjoyed reading it.
    This is so well written, and every bit of it is true.....somehow, there is a tendency in every one of us to protest to the most reasonable demands our Moms make!
    The rhyme scheme is good too. Great Write!!! : )
    | Posted on 2007-03-21 00:00:00 | by mdsouza | [ Reply to This ]
      Cute, I liked it.

    “My name is not ‘But, Mom!’”, she says,
    But I usually don’t believe her;
    She looks alot like a ‘But, Mom!’ to me,
    And it really seems to suit her.

    I would change the "but" in the second line to "Though", as you say "but" three times in a row. (Ugh, I didn't mean for that to rhyme...) Also, you can't really rhyme her with her, unless you rhyme a word with believe first.

    -Jay-
    | Posted on 2007-03-04 00:00:00 | by PretzelCorps | [ Reply to This ]


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