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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: stupid boy!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: mr.mystery
    ASL Info:    16/m/everywhere
    Elite Ratio:    2.63 - 36/49/37
    Words: 90
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 72
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 538



    Description:
       remembering how i felt about my highschool teacher before...a young boy's puppy love


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsstupid boy!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I hallucinate every three minutes you know?
    Because someone gave me a quite hard blow

    A beam of sunlight, a smile so fine
    Oh why couldn't that moment be just mine?

    I never realized beauty cuz it used to be so common
    but a while ago I got it all wrong

    now the clock's seem to be going extra slowmo
    I just can't wait till it be tommorrow

    to have another chance, a moment again
    and I'd steal her from this world, if only I can




    Submitted on 2007-03-04 03:04:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the whole idea of this. However, I don't know if you're making it seem sort of childish on purpose or whatever, it just seems like that a little to me. And the forced rhymes take away from the piece. I also think you went from one thing in the beggining (hallucinate) to a diffrent thing in the end (her). I guess that is what you're sorta suppose to do, but it seems that there's too much of a change. I might be wrong...
    | Posted on 2007-03-04 00:00:00 | by TheStillSilence | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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