Merciful Release by djtswing

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Submission Name: Merciful Release dots

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Author:	djtswing
Elite Ratio:	5.08 - 84/87/71
Words:	107

Class/Type:	Poetry/Religious
Total Views:	164
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	704

Description:
I wrote this because sometimes I find myself to be so bound to my sin and what I do. And I sit there trapped within my mind, finding the words to say. The words I should cry out to God. So I cry out to Him, asking Him to set me free. But He already has through His blood.

Merciful Release dots

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My hands bound,

my feet chained.

Ears covered, I heard no sound,

mouth gagged, beat with a cane.

I was bound to my sin,

whether I liked it or not.

I don't know where I'd been,

or the actions my captives sought.

I swam through my mind,

to remember the name.

The exact I could not find,

but His nicknames were just the same.

Lord of Lords, King of Kings,

break my bonds, set me free.

Release my soul, let it sing,

open my eyes, let me see.

Submitted on 2007-03-04 13:19:39 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
Your use of rhyme here I feel really inhibits the rhythm. Especially here

Ears covered, I heard no sound,

mouth gagged, beat with a cane.

I would arange it in this order but then you lose the rhyme at the end of every line.

My hands bound,

my feet chained.

Ears covered,

mouth gagged,

I heard no sound,

beat with a cane.

Assonance continues your though and presere somewhat of the original feel but perfect rhyme of course if lost. You can decide just throwing it out there. I actually thoguht this could be improved on of two ways either remove the space between each line and break it up paragraph style or add an extra space after Beat with a cane. your lines are short so I think the space is actually inhibiting but see what everybody else thinks.

Not and sought is a bit of a strecth and far from perfect rhyme....very nice though you really have to sell it when read aloud.
peace
| Posted on 2007-03-04 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]

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