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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: beauty forgottendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: shaman
    ASL Info:    32/m/Holland,MI
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 821/406/72
    Words: 125
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1208
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 823



    Description:
       For clay, A journal she thought I should post, I don't really post anymore because I've become deeply dissatisfied with everything i write but for old time sake i guess... Tilte suggestions welcome. my main problems with this are this transition "In this adultery she finds peace
    He jealously guards his keys" and this line "With cloudy nights he shrouds our vision" I like the assonance and I want to preserve that but something sin't right it doesn't feel finished.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsbeauty forgottendots
    -------------------------------------------


    The night has lost it's mystery
    The moon has but one page in history
    It's as if she
    Has become
    just foreplay for the sun;
    A beacon at his beck and call,
    A slave hidden amidst the ethereal

    Held captive by the earths gravitational pull
    She consumes excess light but is seldom full
    Illuminated against her will until
    Morning
    When she's finally released
    As he enters the earth from the east
    In this adultery she finds peace
    He jealously guards his keys
    Keeping her beauty secret

    But his best efforts can't keep her face hidden
    With cloudy nights he shrouds our vision
    Their marriage has become a prison
    Which only a fraction of her face escapes




    Submitted on 2007-03-04 14:36:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Oh how that makes my heart ache. The thing I think I love most about your writing is that it just grabs my heart and wrings the emotions out of it. I find myself breezing through most of what I read, just grazing the surface. But I read through three times because the surface just begged me to see the depth. Blah, blah, blah... That said, this situation sucks. In this adultery she finds peace... makes me look back on an event of last summer and it makes my heart sad. You may not understand that, but in your writing I relate. Much love!
    | Posted on 2007-07-13 00:00:00 | by kiddo13 | [ Reply to This ]
      I can't see anywhere to change anything Dave.This is wonderful as is.
    The perfect combination of the sun and moon is excellent .Your word choice captures the readers eyes.
    The meaning i got from reading this is.He loves her so much he doesn't want to share her with the rest of the world.He only wants her when he needs her.And if he shares her with the world she won't be there for him when he calls her,thats very sad.You have a gift that comes out of you in your writing keep it up
    | Posted on 2007-05-06 00:00:00 | by deluka | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Dave,

    There isn't anything I would change about this one. You have some errors in syntax and spelling that need to be cleaned up. For example, the phrase is "beck and call" and it's a cliché that works well here to show how freedom has been disposed.

    The image of keys held tightly in hand works great but you need
    to change the spelling on "guards". But this is the best part:

    But his best efforts can't keep her face hidden
    With cloudy nights he shrouds our vision
    Their marriage has become a prison
    Which only a fraction of her face escapes

    So I can see the affects of his holding on to her as a trophy,
    it's so sad. I'm glad you posted this and please don't stop writing. We will let you know when we have had enough!

    peace and love,

    Nan
    | Posted on 2007-03-11 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      Your work is always so beautiful. And that person must be very special.

    No mistakes I saw but I do know that occurance all too well. Everyday there are people who gaurd the ones they love, they want to put a wall in between them and the rest of the world because they dont want anyone getting in and hurting them. But the shield doesnt always last. There are always those people who know how beautiful they are and how amazing they are that they just want to get out of it. No one wants to be caged in.

    I am always afraid of feeling like that, that I would get so full of myself that I wouldnt see if someone is protecting me and they care for me because I want to get out so badly, or I'll just never find that person who cares the write amount.

    Its a brilliant write, like everything else you have written.

    peace,
    ~flora~
    | Posted on 2007-03-04 00:00:00 | by blankscreen | [ Reply to This ]
      YYYYAAAAAYYYYYYYY

    haha

    YESSSS...I'm so happy right now I'm doing the happy fricken dance all over this page...see me..
    a-huh-a-huh...look at me go ; )

    Ok first things first...I don't know why you would want to change that...he's holding the keys and niether one can change that fact. It's well placed I think anyway...but what do I know, I'm bias when it comes to your work.

    Yet this on the other hand I would love even if I'd never met you...it holds so many things I LOVE in a good write.
    The sun and moon..classic story and you give it an undertone of love/dislike within eachothers eyes. They're so bound together but so many worship sun when the moon holds so much beauty too...but they are both equal in what we need. Without one or the other we'd be gonners.

    You have used the perfect terms...rhythm and flow...I'm at a loss for much more to say because I just love it...I can't help you change it...I can't...it would just be wrong.

    I will however help with the title...I'll [pm] you a whole bunch of thoughts k...
    and I'll try to get the pics up too.


    Thank you for this...really...this should have been here from the beginning!!!


    LOVE IT

    ink
    &
    art (i'm a little obsessed right now)
    | Posted on 2007-03-04 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      Great job, love it. You prefered a bashing, but I can see only one mistake.

    He jealously holds his keys

    It would be either The or His, not He.

    Your writing never ceases to amaze me, whether you are satisfied with it or not. You are talented, and a great poet at the least.

    ~Dan
    | Posted on 2007-03-04 00:00:00 | by djtswing | [ Reply to This ]


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