Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password


Author: crimson echo
ASL Info:    21 M U.S. of A
Elite Ratio:    8 - 412 /150 /55
Words: 191
Class/Type: Poetry /Dark
Total Views: 1471
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1235


This one's for you, Azuire.


Forget what I was told, all those years ago;
the tone of everything, that I had seen the strangest.
It's all changed now. Reality is overthrown.
Forget what you said--there's no way you could have known.

Even now the broken strings are tightening about them.
Marionettes where people once lived. I wondered,
for a moment or two, if it wasn't my fault. It was; now send
me away. "Vermin." You should realize: this is the end.

They march past, dead as the street itself.
I watch as my father goes by. Such insanity:
a walking sepulchre, gleaming with impossible wealth;
built on the bones of the fallen. There are no thoughts for health.

Walking out into the streets, dust-demons with each footstep.
Their eyes are blank, their hearts already stopped.
What force keeps them going, drives them onward? (Kept
silent. I couldn't dare to speak.) My wandering family slept.

Charade without a puppetmaster. How tired...
I wonder if they realize their strings have been cut?
Heartless mannequins, one and all.

Still kept silent.

Submitted on 2007-03-05 11:18:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  i'm not really into this type of writing whether it comes to me reading or writing it.
but from what i know you do a good job at it.
i don't know if i think that because i don't read a lot of stuff like this or you really do have a good way of putting it together this way.
i really enjoyed how you included Marionettes.
i love them and masquerades etc.

Charade without a puppetmaster. How tired...
I wonder if they realize their strings have been cut?
Heartless mannequins, one and all.

that was what made me like it.
if the entire piece was written around that i would have added it to my favorites list and what not and it would have been awesome to me.
Keep writing.

| Posted on 2007-08-15 00:00:00 | by BleedingTears | [ Reply to This ]
  hm, I'm sorry to say I'm not as moved as everyone else, but I still liked it.

I think what I don't get about your writing is that you use long lines and full sentences, but still kind of have a minimalist backing, so it's weird.

it's a good weird, but it's weird.

I think I see a poem with long lines and I expect things to be explained, but yours doesn't do that.

| Posted on 2007-04-15 00:00:00 | by andthebandgoes | [ Reply to This ]
  You just poked me into remembering that I owe you one on the end of the world. Argh.
Anyhow, it's brilliantly done, honest, lovely imagery and deliciously evil. If I didn't know better I'd say I'd have written almost the same thing when given that topic.
The rhyme doesn't fit somehow, but it shows just how wicked you CAN get by making it rhymed and not read as such. Yay.
| Posted on 2007-03-05 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
  Whoa. I was not expecting this. I got such a vivid image in my head, I can't really enev describe it. This really sent chills down my back. The words have a voice, an unhuman voice. Each word is perfectly in place, exactly where it needs to be to create such a haunting and terrible image. I really liked how you refer to the people as marionettes. It adds a sort of metion to the piece, imagining al these people moving as though on strings.

A brilliant piece, to be sure.

| Posted on 2007-03-05 00:00:00 | by Anticlownperson | [ Reply to This ]
  hmmm... a nice twist
i saw broken strings lol yay!!!!
but it is an awesome poem
| Posted on 2007-03-05 00:00:00 | by crazymunchkin | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?