[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: apartment 12 (pt.6)dots

    Author: freeradical
    ASL Info:    22/feline/london
    Elite Ratio:    5.26 - 311/405/63
    Words: 220
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1042
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1616

       for those who don't understand... this is only a piece of the whole, which may not make sense unless you read what jd and i have been doing.

    it starts with 'she smells like sex, and continues from there... switching between him and i.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsapartment 12 (pt.6)dots

    freshly-shaven legs stick
    to shiny faded vinyl
    and i feel no small measure
    of taxicab desperation.

    i should never have followed you home.
    but it was a whim
    and i'm far too capricious
    not to indulge them.

    and far too impetuous
    to listen to common sense.

    it took four hours,
    three minutes,
    and twelve seconds
    for my mind to decide
    what my heart has been screaming.

    the cabbie tries to involve me
    in the small talk of his world,
    strangers baring hidden pieces
    but keeping anonymity intact.

    uncharacteristically short
    but i'd never stinge on tip,
    i rip my legs from the plastic
    and my heart from it's cage.

    the cab pulls away
    and i have an intimate moment
    over the sewer grate
    with all my apprehension.

    i much prefer taxicab desperation.

    i tuck a wispy bang behind my ear
    and pull a cigarette,
    placing the slim silver holder
    back in my handbag.

    delaying the inevitable
    and gathering courage
    from strangers staring appreciation
    as they pass.

    my stranger passed,
    but i gave chase.

    flick a cigarette
    stained crimson
    from kisses
    and smooth a hand
    over soft hair.

    paused on the sidewalk of doubt,
    as i surreptiously glance
    toward the window of apartment twelve.

    also known as kismet.

    Submitted on 2004-06-08 22:14:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
       did she have sex with the cab driver? no wonder the cabs always smell a little funny. she probably got a discount though. i like the vivid imagery in this poem, i could picture the girl...
    | Posted on 2004-06-08 00:00:00 | by all the english boys | [ Reply to This ]
      this poem makes me think that the person in the cab has just killed someone and is fleding the crime scene, but feels terrible bad for what they have done. it was a little confusing, but it flowed very well and i really enjoyed it. good write
    | Posted on 2004-06-08 00:00:00 | by EdwardScissorhands | [ Reply to This ]
      i love the imagery you have in here... the taxicab desperation with bare legs stuck to the vinyl seats... gotta hurt! i really like this write and the lines...
    'it took four hours
    three minutes
    and twelve seconds
    for my mind to decide
    what my heart has been screaming.'
    are truely the greatest! damn i know this feeling WAAAAY too well... hardout! awesome write!
    | Posted on 2004-06-08 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Its very mysterious to me, and i love mystery so thats why i think it is good, i love how i could picture everything beause it had such good detail
    | Posted on 2004-06-08 00:00:00 | by EmilyAnne | [ Reply to This ]
      OH wow, this is great! I dont' think I've read everything between you too, but I've read a handful... and so far, I think this is my favorite! I have a few wording suggestions for here and there that might make the piece a bit "shinier", but it's all my opinion and you can do what you'd like with it. I'm being picky too, that's just how good this is!

    * "freshly-shaven" might go a bit better, especially with the word "shiny" in the next line. Either way, you need the hyphen there.

    * I love the words "capricious" and "impetuous"! Great lines right there.

    *I think I would've liked commas after each line of the hours and minutes and seconds. Commas would've provided a bit of a pause, and the pauses could add some drama and emphasis to the exactness of each second ticking away. And I love the last line of that stanza--- again, terrific!

    * "small talk of his world," ... this is extremely picky, but I want to suggest "the world" instead of "his world." This involves a much larger scale, and doesn't bring so much attention to the cab driver. After all, this isn't about the cab driver-- it's about HER!

    * "I tuck A wispy bang..." IMO I like the "a"

    * "stranger's" should be "strangers'" (apostrophe S), because there's more than one stranger and it's also possesive.

    * Personally would've liked a comma after the line "from kisses". Again, very picky and personal opinion.

    You can do what you'd like with these suggestions... most are personal, a few are technical. This is really a great piece, I LOVE IT. *Adds to Favorites list!*
    | Posted on 2004-06-08 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]
      and i feel no small measure
    of taxicab desperation.

    -wow, that's good sh.it. first hit, drag and a snap back delievered shot of the best damn tequila i've never had.

    and far too impetuous

    -i'd nix the "and", but just a suggestion.

    this i can SOOO see in a bound book type (but definitely not a book) format on the top of the new york times best seller list. with each installment, the originality spins a different point of view, a different viewpoint all together.

    gosh i'm so excited about what y'all are doing i had to look up the order JD posted 4 times to read them in proper order. whee! muy excellente!

    | Posted on 2004-06-09 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      This is cool... I do like your poetry, regardless of what you may think :p

    I know what you mean here too. I hadta do the same thing yesterday.. the taxi ride. But with me and Barry, it wasn't ever going to be crimson kisses or soft hair. I went over there and decked the [censored], and had him see sense. But all the way over there, in the taxi, there's that delicious frisson of fear that *churns* inside and with every new street it grows a little more...

    I'm a taxi ride coinnosseur... you got it right on!
    | Posted on 2004-06-09 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]