this poem makes me think that the person in the cab has just killed someone and is fleding the crime scene, but feels terrible bad for what they have done. it was a little confusing, but it flowed very well and i really enjoyed it. good write
i love the imagery you have in here... the taxicab desperation with bare legs stuck to the vinyl seats... gotta hurt! i really like this write and the lines... 'it took four hours three minutes and twelve seconds for my mind to decide what my heart has been screaming.' are truely the greatest! damn i know this feeling WAAAAY too well... hardout! awesome write!
OH wow, this is great! I dont' think I've read everything between you too, but I've read a handful... and so far, I think this is my favorite! I have a few wording suggestions for here and there that might make the piece a bit "shinier", but it's all my opinion and you can do what you'd like with it. I'm being picky too, that's just how good this is!
* "freshly-shaven" might go a bit better, especially with the word "shiny" in the next line. Either way, you need the hyphen there.
* I love the words "capricious" and "impetuous"! Great lines right there.
*I think I would've liked commas after each line of the hours and minutes and seconds. Commas would've provided a bit of a pause, and the pauses could add some drama and emphasis to the exactness of each second ticking away. And I love the last line of that stanza--- again, terrific!
* "small talk of his world," ... this is extremely picky, but I want to suggest "the world" instead of "his world." This involves a much larger scale, and doesn't bring so much attention to the cab driver. After all, this isn't about the cab driver-- it's about HER!
* "I tuck A wispy bang..." IMO I like the "a"
* "stranger's" should be "strangers'" (apostrophe S), because there's more than one stranger and it's also possesive.
* Personally would've liked a comma after the line "from kisses". Again, very picky and personal opinion.
You can do what you'd like with these suggestions... most are personal, a few are technical. This is really a great piece, I LOVE IT. *Adds to Favorites list!*
and i feel no small measure of taxicab desperation.
-wow, that's good sh.it. first hit, drag and a snap back delievered shot of the best damn tequila i've never had.
and far too impetuous
-i'd nix the "and", but just a suggestion.
this i can SOOO see in a bound book type (but definitely not a book) format on the top of the new york times best seller list. with each installment, the originality spins a different point of view, a different viewpoint all together.
gosh i'm so excited about what y'all are doing i had to look up the order JD posted 4 times to read them in proper order. whee! muy excellente!
This is cool... I do like your poetry, regardless of what you may think :p
I know what you mean here too. I hadta do the same thing yesterday.. the taxi ride. But with me and Barry, it wasn't ever going to be crimson kisses or soft hair. I went over there and decked the [censored], and had him see sense. But all the way over there, in the taxi, there's that delicious frisson of fear that *churns* inside and with every new street it grows a little more...
I'm a taxi ride coinnosseur... you got it right on!